Tuesday, 04.06.10 - 10:19 pm.
After my last entry, which took me a significant amount of time to write, I took a nap. I was woken up by a text message to my cell. It was an automatic message, "I'm out of balance, call me". The number seemed familiar but I checked twice just in case. Yes, it was JC's number. I once had it memorized, you know? The good ol' days.
Before I continue, let me remind you of my plan regarding JC: I was going to return some of the stuff he gave me during our "relationship" (yeah, right) because quite frankly, owning them is hurtful for me. And I needed for him to set up a date to meet with me.
So I called him back and he said he was going to a thesis meeting, and he was going to be near my house and maybe we could have dinner first. Sorry, what? I said yes, of course, but I panicked. Lord, how I panicked at first, because the moment of giving this stuff back was going to happen too soon (in an hour) and I wasn't emotionally prepared. But I calmed myself down...there was no reason to hesitate.
Out of the four things I was going to give him back, I only had two in the bag by yesterday. I changed my mind about giving back Starfox for SNES because...aw, come on, he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart. And frankly, it'd be a very ugly gesture. He deserved it, probably, for toying with me like he did, but I really hate doing ugly gestures towards people, especially those I'm fond of.
He came to my house and I drove my car, and he followed me in his car to a small restaurant close to my house. We had a fun conversation, he gave me my CDs back and when he walked me to my car, I said I had things to give back to him. I took out the bag and he saw the drumsticks. "Oh, cool, the drumsticks XD". And, the end.
Ok, wait. Here's the thing: under other circumstances, I would have been hurt and upset by the way he reacted. Perhaps I would have sent him an e-mail. Because clearly, he didn't understand the meaning of me giving back this stuff. The drumsticks were a gift, the helmet was a gift, and I was returning them. He didn't quite grasp that. Maybe he would have understood if I had left the ceramic cat and the Starfox game.
But...I wholeheartedly laughed it off and drove home smiling. I think I'm coming to terms with losing JC and keeping him as a friend. Doesn't mean I'm not hurt or massively dissapointed in him. Last night I was thinking that it'll take me a long while to heal entirely from what happened between us and from the stupid, stupid thing he pulled in the end after building my expectations for so long. Is it that I can't forgive him? I believe I can't.
However, there are two things in JC's favor: (1) the fact that I enjoy his company and I've learned to find him funny and smart but not attractive enough anymore; (2) Joseph...word. After going through emotional hell with Joseph, the following rejections don't seem quite as bad.
For a moment I was tempted to ask him about his ex-girlfriend and if he was back together with her yet. But I wasn't ready for that and that would have been pushing my will to overcome my conflict with JC way too far. As a matter of fact, that's a subject that still makes me very, very bitter (fucking Facebook, man, how else would I know she's currently reading one of JC's favorite authors? And I don't even have her as a friend! But she's very popular, apparently..."yay, good for me", huh?). I suppose I'm in a stage in which I don't want JC for me anymore but I also don't want him to be with anybody else.
So even though I won't severe ties with JC, I will take distance. Yes, well, it's not like there isn't distance already! It probably won't make much of a difference, severing ties, taking distance...same bullshit. I appreciated that he took the time to go out with me for dinner, when he could have just stopped by my house and give me back my CDs...but that's just a glitch. I'm not particularly especial in his life but it seems he still cares for me; and me, I consider him a nice friend. I am coming to terms with him...I'm just not quite there yet. I'm still on my way.
I guess it's a pride thing. Joseph, Art, JC...within a year and a half, three guys have broken up with me while they already had another girl in my place. I'm sorry, but that's just really hurtful and it truly makes me feel like shit and it makes me want to kill myself.
Well, this sucks. I was actually coming to write about how free and in peace I felt after meeting yesterday with JC. But I guess that, as with Joseph, if I think about it for a while I start feeling bad.
I have reasons to feel good, though. A guy is writing a thesis on the collective blog I'm part of; I have signed up for a course on Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy (I'm so happy)...and, I don't know, little things in life. I like walking to work, I like playing guitar and drums, I like drawing Simeon cartoons, I like the White Stripes. My friend Monica told me tonight that I'm an angel; that was very sweet of her. Wouldn't I wish that certain guys were of the same opinion about me.
So I'm not in the best emotional state right now, thanks to boys who have managed to shatter me, but I carry on fairly well. This has to end someday.
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