Saturday, 04.17.10 - 9:15 pm.
Last night I went to see one of Joe's many jazz bands. I took Nephew #1 and my friend S, and they both hit it off nicely. The coffee with french vanilla was great. The music, unbelievable. You could see the five musicians were having a blast.
The awful, awful part: my car was broken into. No, actually...my dad's car. My dad has this fear that my car will break down while I'm driving at night, so he told me to take his. His is a bit flashy, well-maintained, with a stereo. They took that (a White Stripes CD I'd burned was in there).
My car is covered in scratches and bumps, without a stereo. There's nothing to steal from it, other than my The Simpson's Nelson laughing doll (we got it with Joseph with a Burger King Happy Meal; you press a button and he laughs...he gave it to me and it's so awesome; he once said he regretted giving it to me, for it was so cool, "but it looks great in your car so I'll let you have it") or my skeleton hanging from the rear view mirror. I gave in and took my dad's car because of the stereo, and just so he'd feel less anxious about my safety.
Now, he uses this crime as irrefutable proof that I. Must. Not. Go out at night. He says last night was the stereo, next time it could be me. I understand this is the most violent country in the continent, but I've come a long way overcoming my fear of leaving the house and I just can't give that up. My dad always thinks in terms of tragedy, he's always thinking and panicking about the worst when I haven't set foot outside the door.
Instead of getting my car broken into, he says, I could have been stopped and robbed in the middle of the street at night, dragged outside the car and who knows what else. He actually said that! It's like he pictures me getting assaulted because picturing that will prevent it from happening. My dad seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY needs cognitive-behaviorist therapy. I end up at the morgue every weekend in his head.
Anyway. It was a nasty episode for sure. Proof that I live in a bubble is that I have never been mugged; I don't know anyone in this country who hasn't. Yesterday seeing all the wires sticking out from the hole where the stereo used to be, I felt angry and violated. And then I felt ashamed because it was my dad's car. He didn't get mad at me. In fact, he said I don't have to pay for anything (it's $105). He's very understanding and nice in that aspect, but of course I then got angry at him when he started the lecture saying I must not go out at night because he can't take this suffering anymore. Right. I'm killing him. I chose not to fight back on this. Any reply from me trying to diminish his catastrophic thinking would make him think I'm being careless and inconsiderate.
Ok, lighter topics, please.
Last night I had feelings for Joe again. His current image doesn't reflect the boy I saw for the first time in October 2003. He's gained weight (meh, who hasn't), his hair is shorter and...there's something in his eyes. Like he had just smoked pot or he isn't sleeping much. I think it's both. Even though he works in an office (three houses away from MY office!) 8 hours a day, at night he makes a living out of being a musician. Such a lifestyle, I think, may be taking a toll on him.
But I digress. I saw him last night and I liked him. A lot. Even if he isn't as handsome as he used to be...or as I remember him to be. Even if I think his wardrobe is a bore. Even if I don't think there's chemistry between us anymore. You see, it's 2010, and I'm still attending his gigs like I did in 2003, 2004. He liked me then, I have no doubt about it now. I was incredibly attracted to him, but I was with Joseph then, so nothing happened; and no, I don't regret choosing Joseph over him. But now Joe doesn't like me. We were going to have lunch last wednesday but he forgot. Oh, well.
Today I went to the bank to pay for my Aerosmith ticket. Ah, yes, I HAVE MY AEROSMITH TICKET FOR JUNE 1st!!!!!!!! This is probably the craziest thing I have ever done, because somebody in Costa Rica bought it for me. Somebody I have never met personally. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here. I'm nervous about my trip. I must be crazy for doing this, but it's Aerosmith, man, and I'm loving every minute of this insanity.
The bank held me hostage for an hour and I was late to see my patient. I apologized. I had my session and I got paid. The other patient cancelled. But I'll be seeing a new patient...JC's teenage cousin.
Now, look...this has been another blow to my heart. Seeing JC's cousin means I'll be seeing JC's mom because she is the adult responsible for the kid. Thus, no more remote fantasies/possibilities that she'll ever be my mother-in-law (you know, clinical psychologists don't assist anyone with whom they have previous emotional bonds of any kind). I don't like JC anymore so it's not a big loss, but I thought that and it stirred all of my feelings about what happened with him. It still hurts.
Let's go by parts. Yesterday he texted me asking me if we could have coffee at 4:30. I got angry because earlier I'd seen that his former ex-girlfriend [possibly just "girlfriend" now] had class at 4:30: 1. she is very popular; 2. she and I have common friends; 3. damn you, Facebook. So I thought he was coming to meet up with me right after being with her.
My brillian hyphothesis fell to pieces when I got another text from him, telling me to tune in to the university radio because he was in the afternoon shift and he had programmed "Hole In My Soul" for me. I was not touched (he doesn't have that kind of power over me anymore) but I thought it was a nice gesture. Ergo, he wasn't with his girl, he was at the radio.
In the end, I didn't meet up with him because it was a lot of effort driving to where he was at such hour, friday traffic is the worst. Then he called me this morning and told me that his mom had agreed to take his cousin to therapy. So I'm guessing he wanted to tell me that yesterday, and that's why he was in such a hurry to meet up.
I'm glad I can help, really, AND it's more professional experience and income for me (even though I'm charging him half of what I usually charge). Hopefully his mother and cousin didn't notice JC and I were involved "that way". They saw me over at his house often back in October, November, but, you know...I was just a friend.
As for JC, we may meet up tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm also thinking of asking him to stop contacting me. Either that or to tell him straight to his face what a dissapointment he is to me. He's like an unwanted child...sometimes you wish he hadn't entered your life, he ruined your plans (in my case, screwed with my feelings), and you only carry on because in the end you do love him and know that a child is a miracle. And he brings you joy. But he's a burden, too.
Today after my therapy session I met up with WrongGuy for lunch. He and I studied psychology together, although he graduated later than me. He's a bit strange, very into Jung and esoteric stuff, and you think twice about believing some of the things he says. Regardless, he's hilarious and my times at the psychology instructors' cubicle were enhanced by his presence.
He said he'd noticed, through Facebook *cough*, that I was down, so he pretty much offered me a shoulder to cry on. We met for lunch and told him the story of my horrendous break-up with Joseph and the aftermath of his marriage with kid, and how I've become a stronger, more awesome person, despite the ever-freshness of this wound. He also told me about his own failed relationships. He was very supportive and offered words of comfort.
As a side note, I think I'm finally getting the closure I need regarding Joseph. It's thanks to the conversation I had with Victor1, that I refer to in the last entry. And a bit of what I talked about with WrongGuy. But I'll see how it goes and I'll get back to you on that soon. Joseph always deserves an entry of his own.
Then he came along with me, my friend Mo and her baby Valerie to the park. It was very strange for me. I went to school with Mo, I went to the university with WrongGuy. It was a rare mixture of friendships but they got along very well and we had a great afternoon in the swings.
I offered WrongGuy to help him overcome his fear to encounter his last ex in campus, and I'll go to the university with him one of these days (he already graduated but he's taking a course in, um, something; she's still studying psychology). In turn, he said, he could come with me to help me overcome my fear of running into Joseph. Let's go find him! He was serious and I laughed. I explained to him that aside from fearing running into him, I don't have to do it because we don't have any places in common, unlike him and his ex.
He invited me to the movies and just texted me saying there is a chinese restaurant that will make me laugh (WTF). I think he likes me; back in my university days, I heard rumours that he did. I like him, kind of, sort of; we have a great time together, I like his sense of humor. But I don't think I'd like to have him as a boyfriend.