Reorganizing the future and the on-and-off crush.
Monday, 06.07.10 - 01:11 pm.

So I've recovered from my awesome trip to Costa Rica, meaning my adrenaline levels have returned to normal. Funny: I'm happier and more confident since then. It was something else, you know? The whole thing, Aerosmith and the traveling. I have to keep traveling. I'll try to make another trip before the year ends. It's mostly about money but if you ask around and think things through, it's not that expensive.

So since I came back I've been reorganizing my life. By now it's clear I wasn't chosen for any of the scholarships I applied to, so it's time to get back to searching and hoping next year something will come up. I am going to quit my job when it's back on full time, I'm thinking around august, and start volunteering at the terminal cancer patients wing in a small hospital near my house. My clinic will be my only, irregular income, aside from my savings (I have two bank accounts, one is to be left untouched), but for now I don't want to give up my friday afternoon patients, which is bound happen if I found another job.

A few days ago I was determined to ask Sam to come to the movies with me. He told me he'd gotten a job and starts next week, and he was pending to take me out bowling. Cut the crap, I told him in my head, let's just go for coffee or something. He sent me a tweet while I was in Costa Rica...or rather, he sent it to Frank (the guy that, bless his heart, bought my Aerosmith ticket and took me around San Jose with his sister), "tell her I miss her *broken heart*". But as it turns out, I haven't spoken to him in days.

Also, gradually, I've been getting a bit mad at JC. I remember he told me, when we were friends, how he wanted to be free and fool around with other girls; he broke up with his girlfriend, hooked up with me, got scared and got back together with her. That comment about fooling around wasn't very important at the time, but now in retrospective, it leaves me in an ugly position. I wouldn't mind so much if he had stayed single after "breaking up" with me, but he got back to her. I suppose it's time to cut off my relationship with him, on account of how shitty that makes me feel.

After two weeks of not seeing him, I met up with CR on saturday night. I'd missed the guy, and he showed up late because the police stopped him. That reminded me of Joseph, but then again, CR reminds me of Joseph in some ways, even physically. I texted Lighthouse in case he could join us and he showed up about 30 minutes later. I had to leave early because my dad called me. He probably wasn't going to tell me to come home right away, but there were some things I wanted to do at home so I took the chance to bail out. I was sorry to leave, though. Lighthouse gave me a goodbye hug that...does not confuse me, emotionally, but it does make me wonder what the hell this guy is on.

Ok, it confuses me. In the sense that now I have a crush on him...again. For the 1000th time. I'm on and off with him, you realize, it's been like that since I met him a year and a half ago. I saw him and CR yesterday, too, for a little while, and he hugged me goodbye again. He seems happy to see me and always tells me to let him know when I'm hanging out with CR so he can join us. We are going to the movies tomorrow night, the three of us.

Keyword: three of us. He doesn't like me *that* way. He'd never ask me to go out, just the two of us, he's just nice to me. He's only half of my boyfriend, the half I like; CR is the other half, the half that likes me (of course I like CR, but we're talking beyond friendship here). It can't work out any other way. I can hang out alone with CR, but Lighthouse would never go for that with me. And I suspect he would never take me seriously, anyway. He's just a bit flirty for fun. So he's a crush out of my reach...I can have fun with that too. The end.

Joseph comes and goes in my head. On the way to Costa Rica I saw Benjamin Button and for some reason I started thinking about him and I got really sad. A couple of nights ago, I also got very nostalgic and tearful over him. I talked about him with CR yesterday, but nothing new. The pain, the struggle, the bright side.

CR hasn't even seen him since he got married...that's a long time ago. So it totally turns into invalid all the things CR has told me, such as, "when we get together, he talks about you". He hasn't gotten together with him in a long, long time, and I'm guessing that by now I wouldn't be a topic of discussion. He's happily married with a kid so he has other priorities. I'm sure I'm not on his mind everyday as he is in mine. CR says he should go visit him, but isn't very inclined to. I think Joseph's wife is kind of driving him away.

So this is my update. Yay.

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