Sunday, 06.27.10 - 12:24 pm.
Last night I went out with my friend from high school, Rod. We went to see "Remember Me", after much deliberation on whether to see "Toy Story 3". It's still too much of a hassle to get tickets for it and stand in line for a while and deal with children to see it, so personally, I'll wait a week more or so.
Yesterday afternoon two friends gave me a ride. One was my friend Victor2. He took me to Office Depot (yum) to run some errands and then we went to BK for fries. A bit after I came home, Rod came to pick me up to grab a bite and see the movie.
Rod is an awesome friend and a gentleman. We bought our tickets and walked around the mall...I'm not much of a shopping person but he's someone I can talk about shopping with, which is great. He's slightly metrosexual, if we shall add a label to explain his behavior. Whatever, I love him and we have a great time together. And the movie surprised us both.
However, at one point during the movie I started to think about Joseph and got sad because I think I'll never have someone like him again, by him I mean a mix with most of the traits I crave for in a guy (I know you can't have all traits in one guy). Or maybe it's just that I still miss him. I didn't think about him for long during the movie but before I went to bed, melancholy hit me hard and I almost started to cry thinking of him.
I'm slightly down these days. I wouldn't say my life isn't going anywhere, but it certainly isn't going. I'm so stuck.
(1) Soon, when I quit the job I hate -August, I think-, I'll have no regular income for a while until something else comes up (and God, that is so hard); the income from the clinic comes and goes and it's minimal. This clashes with a recent drive I have to give myself a slight make-over, or at the very least, buy new clothes and new shoes (speaking of shopping, I do it once a year, if I do it at all).
There are a few big things I want to buy, but I have to stick to the bare necessities. I can't complain because I live with my parents and food, shelter and electricity/internet are a given. Talk about being lucky, after all. I could ask them for help, financially, and they'd give it to me to the best of their capacity, but at my age I don't want to be a burden to them. I already am. They like having me around but I should be living on my own and it hasn't happened. Nor it will for at least one more year.
(2) No scholarships. The one I had put a lot of faith in already published the results. I'm not devastated, I'm just annoyed that I have to do the process all over again next year. Everybody tells me I'm great but there's always someone better than me getting the money to keep studying. This frustrates me a lot.
And frankly, it makes me want to kill myself. I'm not in pain, I'm just tired out. I know I've been trying for only two years but the application processes are so hard and I see not a single glimpse of hope. I'm wearing myself out and the alternatives are worse: getting myself in debt for a good part of the rest of my life (because my career is not exactly appreciated; and oh, with my salary, I can't even apply right now) or staying ignorant. Sorry, no. The next life would be the way to go.
Of course, I don't know how to kill myself and I may do it wrong and screw myself even more. Then there's the pain caused to my family. They love me to death and they don't deserve such suffering.
(3) Friends. I have many but I don't have many. I feel very lonely. I still sit down and ponder who I can call to go out with. I have a few ones that will always say yes or try to reeschedule if they can't make when I ask them to, but in general, I don't belong anywhere with anyone.
I called Victoria today, asking her if she was free in the afternoon. She wasn't, but she invited me to join her and see the soccer match at noon with her best friends and boyfriend and do something else afterwards. I know them all, Rod is there; we all went to school together so there's a lot of affection between us.
I'm kind of like an outsider in that group and I hesitated, but I still said yes, because...well, she invited me. I know I'll be welcome there and it's important that I distract myself from all the things I've written in this entry.
This thing of feeling lonely also applies to a boyfriend. I suppose I want one, and not just any kid to fuck around with. But I never meet new people and, as you know, the ones I like never like me back (with the exception of Joseph...and then JC but he burned out in less than a week). I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never have someone like Joseph again, but that is a blow to my heart. The way he was, the way he and I bounced off each other...that's him, that's his uniqueness. I want his uniqueness but I can't have it because it's...well, his, and he's gone and took it with him. I guess that's as good as I can explain it.
I have no evidence that I'll be single my whole life but I also have no evidence that I won't be, looking back on my love history. I do think I have a lot to offer as a girlfriend but, you know...nobody cares.
So, I'm stuck. I need to change but I don't know where and how to start. Hopefully going out this afternoon will improve my mood.
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