It seems I pick guys who tend to forget me.
Monday, 06.28.10 - 10:20 pm.

My idea of Melvin has a way of sneaking out into my conscious life every here and there. I don't think I had thought about him for at least a couple of years now. It always happen like that: I dream of him after a long period of absence, I get obssessed with getting in touch with him for a day, and then I hit reality and I realize he's just a fantasy -one of many- to keep me from drowning in romantic despair. Hence I say "the idea of".

Melvin was a high school friend of mine. He started going to my school in 7th grade, I think. He was very handsome and became part of the popular crowd. Completely out of my reach so I let him pass. But in 8th grade we became friends. I was the nerdy girl who studied with him to help him pass the subjects while he showed me pictures of his current girlfriend. I once got him the lyrics of an Aerosmith song for him to dedicate it to a girl. The last days of high school, I remember I was in the BKB court and he came to me and held my hands and thanked me for helping him. By then I had this journal so it must be documented somewhere. But laziness, I haz it.

The thing is, at times I saw little glimpses that he liked me. The first guy to ever make a move on me, in 8th grade, even told me so in a letter (actually, everything he told me was through letters; coward much?). Melvin would give me stickers, random pieces of paper, I even have an acrostic he wrote with my name somewhere. We spent time together studying, I think he was the first boy I was home alone with. I once got an e-mail from him saying he loved me but it sounded too strange and then he said his cousin had been messing around in his e-mail. One day we spent the whole afternoon together at school, talking, and at night, when we were saying goodbye, he leaned in and kissed me right next to my lips (that too is documented...2002 for sure).

I realize all that looking back, but perhaps, as I thought at the time, he just thought I was cool, even in my nerdiness, and was just being nice to me. No way I fit his standards, then and now. And of course, after school we parted ways. He's gone on to become a doctor, like he said he would that afternoon we spent together. Since we graduated I only saw him once, at my friend Candy's birthday party, eight or seven years ago. He was with a girlfriend who I thought was too ugly for him. It's strange because I'm not the kind of person who judges people like that. I suppose I was jealous.

So I thought about him yesterday. And I started to fantasize with him. I'll skip the embarrassing details and instead I'll come back to reality: we weren't very close. If he ever had a crush on me, it faded away. He's still part of that popular crowd. There are people from the class of 2002 who are in regular contact with him. I'm not one of those people. We always moved in different circles and I know he hardly remembers me.

Silly me, I had not looked for him on Facebook until yesterday, so I added him. Or rather (and the embarrassment continues), I sent him a request. I took the time to see his pictures and while his status says single, there are a lot of pictures of him and his girlfriend. I think it's the same girl from the party but if she isn't, man, this one's ugly, too*. He might as well pick me.

* Ok, I suck for using that adjective. I hate doing it, I hate it when people does it. As if someone's worth was measured by the way they look, for starters. Honestly, she's not ugly, as in "visually unpleasant". I suppose...I see him so good-looking that I figured he'd go out with someone that was his equal in the looks department. Jealousy, still? I don't see why I should be jealous, after all these years.

Anyway: I browsed his pictures, he looks great. He's in the middle of nowhere, working at a clinic, being a great doctor. I think he's going for neurology. I allow myself to fantasize to keep my thoughts busy, until my image of him wears out again. Until he pops up again in my mind and I decide to waste my energy in him because I have no one else to invest it on. That's as far as I'm gonna get with him, ever. I never had a chance with him, never will. But hey, I don't need to know if he ever liked me or not, he was very sweet to me anyway.

I continue feeling a bit sad and lonely. I've been feeling like isolating myself so I can be missed but I already am isolated. And anyway, missed by whom? I can totally see a few messages from people who would notice I don't move around virtual social networks as much as I normally do. And that's it. But it doesn't fill the void.

And Joseph, of course, continues to haunt me. My thought of the day (jeez) was imagining him and his wife, talking about all these years they planned on eventually getting back together and get married and be each other's Love of their Life. I cannot imagine them anything but happy right now, along with their little bundle of joy. Me, I feel humilliated.

One of these days I drove by the store where I gave him a ride the last time I gave him a kiss (I think it was the day he informed me a girl was living with him). At least before and when he was with me, he used to hang out/work at these Magic The Gathering/yu-gi-oh/whatever type of stores. A few days ago I was riding in my cousin's car and we drove by that store, and I looked for him, but I could only see a guy standing in the doorway. Most likely, he wasn't there. But I couldn't shake the idea that he was. Then again, some times I drive by a building where a similar store existed, and he worked there (many times I picked him there). The store closed. But I still look up.

I suppose...I just hate being so damn forgettable.

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