Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010 - 4:45 pm.
My cousin Mario called me yesterday afternoon inviting me to go meet his 9-month-old son. My cousin and I have grown closer over time; he's about 10 years my senior and I'm like a little sister to him. His son is a gorgeous baby my cousin made with a doctor, who just wanted to have a baby and he, um, complied. It's a twisted story that pisses me off a little, on his part, and on the doctor's part, but hey, the boy is gorgeous.
So I went with him and I love the little one already. We took the baby to the park. We also took the baby's cousin, a 3-year-old girl. She talked a lot and I couldn't understand much but she grew on me. I held her hand as we walked back to the house and I silenced my thoughts to hear that thing inside me that society calls The Biological Clock: it wasn't ticking.
I did, however, thought I would love to adopt someday. Actually, I thought many things during the evening. Everytime I see babies and toddlers, kids in general, I think of Joseph. He's raising a child now and sometimes I can't help wonder how is he at that. I wonder if he'll get to spank him, if he'll yell. I wonder what his parenting style is, like it was my damn business. I can't know. I suppose Joseph's baby will grow in a nice environment with a lot of support from his heartbreaker dad and his boyfriend-stealing mom*, and from his grandparents and whatever.
[* It's easy to think she stole Joseph from me, and maybe, in a way, she did. But ultimately, he left me and went with her because he chose to. I just called her that because my pride hurts and sometimes I allow myself to be less rational and more spiteful.]
So many babies come into the world by accident everyday, and people manage to raise them. They do ok, in the end. A lot of times. Other times the children suffer then or later in life and, like V. once said, my and her profession is there to help (the cases I'm seeing right now at the clinic have taught me the consequences of taking child-raising lightly). I wouldn't have liked to have a child under the circumstances Joseph did. I never moved in with him because that meant moving in with his parents, with no end of that in sight because neither he or I were prepared enough to find a decent-paying job that would allow us to support ourselves. I wonder if any of that's changed, now that he has a family of his own.
A few times Joseph and I discussed adoption when we talked about having kids. He didn't want to adopt. He said I could do it, if I was so inclined, but he wouldn't love the kid so much. That was a bit sad for me to hear but I respected that. And from a biological point of view as a male, his reaction was totally understandable.
On the other hand, I'm kind of giving up on the idea of finding a guy. I know, I'm only 25, but look at my history: I find a suitable mate once a year; and yet, I have only had two boyfriends...and one was by mistake. Joseph, The Guy of my life, lasted four years -lucky me- and then he ditched me. JC was nearly my third boyfriend but he was only playing with me. I'm not good at meeting new people, but when I do, it doesn't make a difference. I don't like anyone, and the ones I do like, you know how it goes: the sentiment is not mutual.
The night before, I dreamed of Melvin, it was a very sweet dream. I woke up happy but it was just the pumped-up hormones. It did prompt me to go check his FB photos but that was it. I don't even know why I have a crush on him now, I haven't seen him in years. I don't remember having it in high school; he was so out of my reach that I didn't even bother, I guess.
Yesterday night, I went to see Joe play. He's another guy that I've had a crush on for years (even before I met him, and even before I met Joseph). I did try with him, last year: I invited him to see a movie, and months later we went for lunch. He didn't seem interested and never asked back so certainly our window of opportunity was gone.
I was seeing him last night play and I wondered if there could still be a spark. I looked at him and realized he wasn't quite my type but I still felt some kind of force towards him. During the break of his band, he introduced me to his girlfriend and I rested at ease. It took a certain pressure off, like "should I try again? I don't like him but I do", bla-bla-bla. I felt happy for him and I was free. A bit sorry that we never found each other -assuming he once liked me- at the right time but watchagonnado.
So I want a partner right now, not babies. I have gone out with guys after Joseph. CR, Skeleton Guy and another guy who sent me text messages every day to wish me a happy lunch, which frankly wore me out and we met twice for coffee and dinner...the three of them were interested in me, I wasn't in them. I tried with Lighthouse and Joe and JC, they weren't interested in me. I can't attract guys I'm attracted to.
Meh, I'm just a loser.
But since we are speaking about adoption, I'm still in the process of adopting a dog. The one I chose turned out to be chronically ill and didn't have a good prognosis. I had to pass, because it's the same illness that killed Frog; she's not going to last for more than months, if that much. The shelter sent me other options and I found myself not knowing who to chose, like I feared. Those dogs and cats have been abused, neglected and/or abandoned and you want to give a home to all of them.
The dog I really, really wanted is 12 years old; the problem is that he may not last long either and it'd be uncomfortable to have a dog that big in the house. I've gone for a sad-looking 8-year old female. Sad in her eyes, and also sad in her appearance; she's white except for the light brown/yellowish top of her head, hairless, and looks like she put on too much eyeliner. But I don't care. The shelter thinks she's a candidate. I do hope my cat will understand, though. That's what worries me now. Other than that, I can't wait to welcome her!
Last but not least, on friday I went shoe shopping. I took my friend Victoria with me because I needed advice. I'd never gone shopping like that, with a friend. Such a girly thing to do. I bought two pairs of shoes and, get this: they're not sneakers! They're actually heels! Woman shoes! AND yet comfortable! I like them so much. I felt a bit bad for buying two pairs but my need for a makeover requires variety. And *I am* wearing them.