Tired, confused and disappointed.
Wednesday, 10/17/01 - 7:39 p.m..

A few days ago I was wondering why teenagers were so fucked up. I haven't found the answer, but I surely am fucked up, too. I guess that makes me a teenager.

Fidel took me out on the 3rd period to drink coffee. We talked a lot again. And man, he surely knows a lot about life. That's a friend. I listened to him. He listened to me. He taught me a few lessons for life I'll never forget.

Other than that, no big deal happened. Yet I spent the whole day thinking of the guy. Of course, no chance in this life that we'd be together. He called me. I was going to but he beat me to it. Here we go...he's talking about sex and I'm writing the "weekly hit" for my science project. He asked me if I really wanted to continue this.

Fuck, we broke up, to make it short...as if we ever were bound to each other. I mean, we're just friends...no more sex talking. Um, yay, maybe. Then why do I feel disappointed? Maybe because I think he won't call me anymore. That I don't mean anything to him. Too bad. Because I still love him.

I read my last entry. I'm really confused. One second I say I'll cry, the other one that I'll keep myself from doing it...then I wind up crying...I don't know. I just don't know a fuckin' thing. I reached this point where I've realized that I'm unstable. I can't say something and assure that it'll be that way. Like...sometimes I say I'll forget about the guy...but I finish just where I started. I'm walking in circles.

Now I'll cry for sure. Anyway, this time no one will save me from getting depressed, because I know no one is calling and no one is emailing me. Althought I'm always emailing people to receive at least one fuckin' reply...I don't even receive one fuckin' reply.

I had a long talk with Cory today...and he got to talk to the girl he loves. He was really happy about it. I hope everything works out for him. I know, I know. Last entry, I said I probably wouldn't talk about him anymore. The probably particle wasn't meant to be there, actually. But some-self-of-mine kind of saw it coming and made me wrote probably. Wise smart-ass. Here I am. I am talking about Cory. But I haven't broken any promise. The probably particle saved me. (did that made any fuckin' sense?)

I'm fuckin' confused. I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know if tomorrow is my math exam. I don't know what to say, or what to think. It's truly sad, because just a few days ago I was one happy human being. Besides confused, I'm tired. We worked a lot today after school. Head and I had this tremendous ballheavyness at lunch. But still, we worked. And besides confused and tired, I'm disappointed.

Disappointed because I was expecting something really big, and, as always, I shouldn't have made big plans, specially because somehow I knew it wasn't happening.

When you're high, you can only come down. ("say no to drugs" reference)

Currently, that's me. I was really high, and now I'm looking down, ready to jump, because there's no other way out. I wish there was something down there, ready to catch me. Even if that one doesn't catch me, just the fact that there's indeed someone waiting for me, would make my smashing into the ground a bit painless.

I'm confused. Because I confuse me. Because I'm always in some kind of tornado, feeling everything and anything at the same time. Feeling everybody and anybody at the same time.

I'll go to sleep off my confusion, disappointment and tireness. I'm starting to feel...I don't know, everything is getting on my nerves right now.

Tonight's feature presentation: the cry of the lonely yet schizophrenic ghost mime.

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