Tuesday, 09/17/02 - 4:35 pm.
Ok, so one of the things I was going to write about yesterday is that I saw Vanessa, his ex-girlfriend. To tell the truth, she seems nice. I like her. I really never got to know her, last year we were in a different room. The first time I heard from her was when I found out Rene was dating her. I didn't care, I actually thanked God, because I was hoping he'd gotten over me and he was happy.
(Simeon: it's just so nice that you are happy everytime one of the boys you've loved hooks up with someone else).
I don't know how, but eventually, everytime we'd see each other we'd say hi.
Blah, blah, blah, the point is I like her but I saw her yesterday and she reminded me of him. And I felt....bad.
Yesterday he shamelessly ignored me. Today, he was kind enough to alter his course (3 feet), on his way back from the boys' room, just to punch me softly in my arm. Then I saw him again at the school bookstore, smiled back at him but then he just ignored me again and left without saying goodbye.
That's the usual relationship we'd always had until the biting-and-stuff started. And now I hate that relationship. I still miss him sometimes, I swear I miss him deeply. Small, insignificant details remind me of him, and I hate that.
I don't know why he suddenly walked away from me, I wish I knew. Why is he...why is he being this way, after being something else to me? Why did he do it? I wish I knew what he thinks of me now. I wonder if he realizes that I can tell the difference between his closeness and his coldness. But I doubt he cares about me, let alone what I wonder about anything in this life.
You know what's the worst part of this? The unanswered questions. Is it my fault that suddenly I was reduced to less than "just-another-person-I-have-to-say-hello-to" to him?
I was going to spend the second recess alone, but Elsy and Pablo approached and sat with me (I don't understand why they're not "officially together", they even look like a married couple). Then Vic and his girlfriend sat with us (why, of course, I was -we were- sitting on the floor). It was nice to be with them, and luckily, I didn't get that dumb "hey, I should be with a partner, too" feeling. Maybe because those two couples are cool enough to spend time with me and not with themselves, having me around.
Last year, junior high school, it seemed everybody was dating everybody. At least 60% of the juniors were dating, and most of the couples were formed among classmates.
Now, senior high school (please allow me to remind you that here there are only two years of high school), there are just a few remainers of the dating fever...Vic's and Art-and-Cel. But now, it also seems like a lot of people likes a lot of people but they're not liked back....
This girl likes the same guy another girl likes. Cory likes Betty. Ricardo likes a girl named Laura. A boy called Omie likes some girl named Clarissa...and there are a few others that I won't name because it gets boring to mention people you don't know about.
Yeah, well...I suppose I should include myself on the list.
The only nice thing in my life right about now is that I can pretend I don't have a skeleton and Cel drags me all across the hallway. I want to have my skeleton outside of me, a skeleton like Leonardo. So that we'd always hold hands and he'd be my moral support.
So consequently...I'm spending my last month of high school choking in my own vomit of torn feelings.