Monday, 10.11.2010 - 9:07 pm.
I know I dreamed of Joseph and his wife and son last night. But I don't know what. It must have been a heavy dream because I woke up extremely tired. Sometimes I dream too much and I wake up feeling like I climbed a mountain the day before.
When I fell asleep last night, I fell asleep next to Joseph. Giving the letter for CR to deliver it to him gave me a strong sense of reconnection with Joseph. It's strange. It was like acknowleding: hey...he does exist. By now I suppose I should state that we weren't right for each other, and I'm aware of the irreversible harm his decision caused me and he's made a lifelong commitment to two other people (wife and son), but I'm still in love with him. I always will. And I missed him a lot last night and I felt connected to him, like I was certain he was with me in the bedroom.
But in the end, that just seemed mourning to me. And for the first time, I felt a healthy grief. It's him I was mourning, not...him and her. Not Mr and Mrs Smith. Just him. I was able to finally separate him from his wife and his baby. And instead of crying over his decision of kicking me out of his life and building a family in my face, instead of hurting over all that, I just hurt over his absence. The simple, so simple fact that he isn't in my life anymore.
And that, I think, is the task I should have given in the first place. Well, not "should", but you catch my drift. Normally you break up and have to deal with the ex for a while, right? But it wasn't just him I had to deal with, he almost inmediately had a wife and now a baby. Today I was fantasizing about meeting again and suddenly I pictured a ring on his finger and I died for half a second. I never had a chance to have a normal break-up process.
I cannot deny that part of me wishes he called, but it's just me being a bit psychotic and nostalgic of his voice; he wasn't as affectionate as he would tell you but sometimes his voice was so silky when he said hello to me over the phone. Last night, he was more like a benevolent ghost, not the ghost I'm used to that judges me in every step and gives a shit about my pain. I'm crossing my fingers that CR will get him the letter soon just so I...I will know I did all I could to defend myself and save whatever was left of my heart.
When I get too hopeful, I get back to reality: he's married and has a son. It just dawned on me that I take that as a joke, something I've made up to keep and justify my distance from him. But it's the truth. Hence, distance is required.
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