Tuesday, 10.19.2010 - 8:19 pm.
I met up with JC last night. It was a bit excruciating. I have to begin, though, by saying how much I appreciate that he made us sort things out in person. We were there for two hours but we didn't speak much. There was a lot of silence, perhaps because he was at a loss of words and I was overwhelmed by my emotions, to the point of having my mind blank when I shouldn't have, and to the point of my heartbeat interfering with my speech.
After the nice usual how-you've-beens, he introduced the subject, saying he was sorry if he was forcing me to discuss this in a way I'm not comfortable with. I'd told him before how saying things face to face was so hard for me and I found the written way less threatening. I know that, but I wouldn't be comfortable leaving things as they are.
He spoke of the tensions between us, how even though we have polite and funny conversations, there's something underneath, something unfinished that needed to be talked about. All he wanted was an honest friendship with me, because I'm awesome and he enjoys talking to me. He knows he's the only one trying to contact me, I don't contact him and he respects that. He thought I thought he feels sorry for me, and he feels guilty for what happened.
Then...I wanted to tell you this. I know you already know, you had to learn it from other sources, but I just have to tell you personally. I got back with my girlfriend. And basically, he just wanted to know how I felt about all this. He said he was confused about what I wanted, because I try to be nice to him but there's something uncomfortable between us. He said he deserved that I cursed him. And you know how when we talked I only talked about myself? It's because I was scared of the things you had to say.
So, my turn. I talked slowly on the verge of tears. I told him the things I'd said I would: my pain, my anger, my feeling used by him, him as a express version of Joseph, how his girlfriend knows about me, the shameful position he put me in, the pictures of him and her I have to look at over and over. At some point, I heard myself saying ...and I can't stand looking at you, and it sounded spiteful. It surprised me, but I don't regret it.
The first silence followed. All he asked after a long time was "So what do you want to do?". It was in my hands to continue or end the relationship. I chose to continue, although at some point I thought of ending it for a while. I made clear that I was hurt by him getting back to his girlfriend more than by him breaking up with me, because that made me just a rebound. He said he never meant to use me. I know, I know you. But that's what it looks like. People [friends in common] saw us get closer while you were away from her and saw the inverse when you returned to her. It was not your intention but the result is the same and I feel humilliated.
At some point I went to the restroom and sobbed quietly for a couple of minutes. I'd felt like crying before but I couldn't do it before JC. And it wasn't just about him. Joseph, always Joseph haunting me. I didn't look much at JC during our time together. I don't know if his eyes got teary like mine. I think I saw him ashamed but I don't know. He felt guilty for sure. I realized later that he never explicitly apologized, and I also realized, I was hoping he would.
We made small talk about other things and we laughed a bit. But it was mostly silence. I was trying to think of things to tell him, he even asked if there was something else I wanted to say. I couldn't think of anything. I was crushed by how somber our emotional environment had become. I was helpless because he can't help me overcome the pain he caused, and because I don't get to have any compensation for how disposable he made me feel. I was angry because no matter how much he accepts he hurt me, it's no use rubbing it in his face for what I said before: even if he wanted, he can't do anything for me. He, ultimately, gets to walk away.
We hugged goodbye and we thanked each other. He left and my car didn't start. So it began a one-and-a-half-hour of agony under the rain. My dad and my cousin came for me and checked the battery. It was ok. Maybe it was gas. Then my cousin Mario showed up with gas and still it didn't work. My car was towed under the storm by one of my cousin's huge car. The rope snapped in the middle of the street. But my cousins are like McGyver and they're always prepared. They had a thicker rope and finally, we got home. I'm so thankful for these cousins, they're always there when someone needs them and will always help with a smile and jokes.
In retrospective, it was a funny situation, but my dad ruined it. He was mad at me, like it was my fault the car broke down...or more like I let it happen. He also used it as sign that I shouldn't be going out at night "so much". GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!! I go out for dinner with friends once or twice a week. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. Jesus Christ, I want to shoot myself. Last night I filled my journal page after page with anger and dispair. I am not free, I'm always having to say where I'm going and what time I'll be back, and I must give a time and I must stick to it because my dad gives me a guilt trip because he doesn't/can't go to sleep until I'm home. And also, it's like I have Stockholm Syndrome. Fuck.
Any fucking way, when I finally got to bed, I was overwhelmed by what had happened with JC and then my dad. I had a hard time processing it and I cried a lot, and for the first time in a while, I felt the urge to cut. But I calmed myself down without hurting myself and I sent JC the following letter today.
"Thanks for the talk last night. I'm sorry for telling you this by e-mail, but it didn't came to mind until the whole car episode [I told him about it in the previous paragraph] had passed. I really spent a lot of time in silence last night because I wanted to come up with everything and not return to this again, but I failed, as it happens when I'm emotionally overwhelmed and physiological responses betray me.
I was hoping that talking about this would be cathartic but it only left my wounds open (W says I suffer from pathological grief). Maybe the ambivalence of knowing that you're such a great, great guy and yet managed to make me feel like shit is what makes me unsure about what to do you with you. You know what? Let's not talk until january. I know that your feelings for me came from the boredom in your relationship, I was a novelty that quickly wore off, and I was able to overcome my feelings for you, too...on that part, the subject is done, no hard feelings.
Even so, these months, say, october to march, are really hard on me because I have to deal with date after date of two versions of the same story [His and Joseph's]. I am exhausted and I feel worthless -for reasons beyond romantic disillusionment- to the point of thinking that I could use an overdose. Such volatility will undermine your efforts with me, efforts that I truly appreciate.
I really like spending time with you; all this year, sometimes I felt like calling you to go for coffe but...honestly, I didn't feel I had the right to do that. And also, being a therapist has a way to remove your demons [I wrote this in Joseph's letter, too]. Did I tell you that when Joseph broke up with me, I received a patient that had the same trouble, having to deal with ending a 4-year-long relationship? Well, around Brain Week, when I saw you three times with her and I started to fear what that meant, I received a patient with the same name as hers. It's probably a small detail, but it still made me look up and go, "God: WTF?!".
I have a hard time leaving it all behind, because the things that devastated me regarding Joseph, you, Art, are things that keep happening [namely, they're all with the girls they left me for] and it's a huge slap in my face. Maybe I just have a fierce resentment towards that force of the universe that insists on putting on my way people that gives me false hope, dumps me and goes away to be happy with someone else, inevitably in my face, when I can barely get up in the mornings.
'When he broke up with you, he was already living with somebody else', 'And he says you're with him? Because he put today on FB that he's in a relationship with somebody else'. 'He broke up with his girlfriend, screwed you and then got back to her, what does that tell you?'. It's horrible enduring those things, one after the other, and I'm disgusted at myself for bringing about such situations, even when I have all the intention to do things right. If you think you deserve that I curse you for what you did, with or without intention, I can't do that. I can only show you what you were part of, with the slight consolation that maybe when you have another chance like the one I represented, you won't take it.
Things can't go on like this for much longer. You can't do anything for me, so while things get better (they have to, or I'll slit my wrists vertically to make it all faster), I'll spare you the confusion. If I can get out of this like I should, if I can treat you right without the bruises secretly hurting, then I'll contact you in january, or in any month of the next year. But I assure you that I'll be glad if you can join the clinic someday, and that if we meet in the meantime, e.g. at the university, I'll be happy to say hello to you. No masks".
He replied. He said he was relieved that I made a decision, because otherwise he felt he was imposing his conditions on me like he always has, that is, contacting me when he wanted, and not when I wanted or when I felt comfortable. He said he understood whatever decisions I made to deal with this and hopes I'll make it through.
I hate to think I'm leaving JC off the hook but what else can I do with him? The harm is done and he's stepped up to face me and say he feels guilty and, even if he doesn't verbalize it, sorry for what happened. That's as much compensation as I'm going to get. I should be thankful I got any.
I know my letter sounds very dramatic, but it's also a reflection of how I feel. I feel like crap today.
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