Friday, 10.22.2010 - 2:08 pm.
What a horrible week this has been. Without a car, I've been forced to stay home or get rides from my dad. Why don't I take the bus, you may ask, if I'm in such a need? Stockholm Syndrome. It wasn't until recently in my personal history that I realized I've been playing along my parents a game that was the best to happen to me as a child but has caused me harm as an adult.
My parents are great, I couldn't even begin to describe all that they've given to me. But in return for the comfort and safety, I've had to give up my freedom. I'm tied up, dependent on them for many things.
My car broke down on monday, and as I write this, I don't have it back. Repairments cost almost twice my monthly salary (as a part-time secretary...on top of hating that job, I make so little, but really, I don't do much there). My dad is paying for most of it, but I want to pay, too. It angers me being without my car for so long, it angers me how expensive repairments will be, and it angers me not having the money to pay for it myself. It angers me, to the point of tears. I'm so frustrated.
Then I got sick on one ear one of these days. I went to the doctor and I forgot a paper for my insurance. "Why didn't you bring it?", my dad asked at the clinic. GEEZ, YOU'RE RIGHT, WHY DIDN'T I?! Asshole. He loves giving people guilt trips. I forgot again to take it today with me to work, and the doctor's office is across the street from my office. "Why didn't you take it?", my mom asked later. Again that shit question that can't be but rethorical. And my dad replied, "it's no use asking that, what's done it's done". FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
And this is the kind of things I have to endure when I'm around my parents for long. And keep in mind, I live with them. This early morning a painful flash woke me up: my mom had walked into my bedroom because the ceiling fan was making a huge buzz so she thought she should slow it down. She turned on the light by mistake on the process and it woke me up and scared the shit out of me. I'M FINE WITH IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! She apologized today but LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!
I'm starting to think I should ask my brother or my sister if I can move in with them. But I need to make more money to own up to my expenses, I don't want to be a sponger. I love my house, I love my parents, but I can't stand living with them anymore. I get stupid advice like I'm retarded ("don't talk on your cell phone when you're walking in the street"), I have curfews that are self-imposed because my dad doesn't go to bed until I'm home and then he says I have him suffering, worried sick about me...sure, he's given me everything in life, so that makes me ungrateful. What does that sound to you? I am being blackmailed.
These days he's come to work to pick me up and he's out exactly at 12, sometimes five minutes earlier. I don't go out at 12 exactly and one of these days he called me to tell me he was outside waiting and how long I was going to take because the sun was burning. His own inflexibility puts him in those situations; he makes it look like he's sacrificing himself (I don't doubt that he does it out of the goodness of his heart) but in the end, it's you who must adjust to his schedule. Otherwise, he gets mad and whiny and will either find anything to make you feel guilty for or play the victim.
Today when I came home from work, after he picked me up, I saw the insurance paper in my bedroom and realized I'd forgotten it again. I had to endure the "why didn't you" question by mom and I got disgusted and fed up. I grabbed my dog and the paper and went to the clinic walking. I get there in 10 minutes, but my dad insisted I took the car and then, when he saw I was going to walk, he said he'd take the paper for me later. I'm so fucking sick of depending on him, specially for errands I can make myself.
I walked out the house fuming. I walked under the burning sun (one of the reasons why he insists on picking me up at noon) with my dog. It was alright, though: it helped me walk the anger off, it made my dog and me tired, and I was feeling self-sufficient, something I was in need to feel. I even stopped by a pharmacy afterwards to buy a green highlighter (I only use green).
The end. For now.
***
I'd given some thought to this. JC's graduation is today and I have no desire to congratulate him. All the contrary, I said to myself, "today is a good day to delete him as a friend on FB". I gave the usual arguments I gave about Joseph: "but then he won't see what I'm up to". It took me over a year to break down that argument with Joseph. It took me half a minute with JC. This shouldn't be about him, it's about me.
I'm done mourning Joseph (!!!), and I've been mourning JC all week. I think of him getting back to his girlfriend and I inmediately have tears in my eyes, because it hurts me so much. But lesson learned, don't go out with guys that are "separated" (JC wasn't married but you catch my drift; he'd recently broken up with his current girlfriend and I was just a rebound until he decided to return to her; just like Joseph did with another girl the first time he broke up with me. And fuck you, Karma, I never would have wished for that to happen. I loathed the idea of rebounds, having or being one, way, way before I unwillingly became one myself).
As I mentioned in my last entry, I told him that we shouldn't talk until january. And now I think, I don't really want to talk to him ever again. A lot of things can happen from here to January, my friend Victor2 said last night, meaning -maybe- that I may heal and be ok with he and I being friends again, regardless of his girlfriend. From here to January...he's right, a lot of things can happen: October 2008 - January 2009, the four most torturing months of my life, thanks to Joseph and his then brand-new gal (and the worst was only beggining).
And so I say, never again. I'm done with JC. And with this decision, my FB is now free of the three guys that reduced me to a piece of shit in 2009: no Joseph, no Art, no JC. Fuck those fucking fuckers.
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