Saturday, 09/21/02 - 11:56 am.
This morning I figured out the reason why I stopped cutting myself after 14 wounds. Because I won't finish the job. Because I won't slit my wrist and bleed to death. Not yet.
Last night I had the bad luck of talking to my brother, Renan, on the phone. And I say bad luck because he made me cry. When he talks to me, about me, he's just very hurtful.
It was a somewhat long talk. Everything was ok, but then he...well, I'll make it short: you are useless. And it's your fault to be useless. That's not what he said, but that sums it up.
- Him: You don't do anything! How are you gonna prove my parents that they can't trust you if you never do anything?
- Me: BUT I TRY!...they just don't give me the chance, I don't know what to do, there's nothing I can do and they...
- Him: See? that's what I'm saying, you have to get yourself the opportunities for them to trust you, you have to do something, you never do anything, you...
- Me: I know, I KNOW! But I can't do anything, they never give me the chance...*silence*
And he just went on.
I bit my lip and tried not to make any sound when I started to cry. And he just went on. Until he noticed I wasn't replying. But I'm just messing with you (*me thinking to myself: noyouarenot*), I'm sorry...I didn't call you to fuck you up. It's always the same. He gets me upset by treating me merciless, because he seems to believe that's the best way for me to learn. Then he apologizes and tells me that I just have to do what I think it's best. I was mouthing FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU with tears in my eyes when he was talking on the phone.
So it's my fault to be useless, and it's my fault to have overprotective parents that don't trust me no matter I'm the model child.
"It's your fault to have overprotective parents"....personally, that fits in as the perfect description to the old saying add insult to injury.
I cried horribly, as if I was being beat. I cried until I fell asleep. Not only because of that, but because I remembered all the time my family have hurt me, and I wanted to go away. Go away from all of them. I love them, but sometimes I wish I were on my own.
This morning my eyes were swollen and so far, they're bothering me. I think they've grown bigger.
Today it looks like a november day that never wakes up. There's a hurricane tail hitting this area, so it's been cloudy, windy and rainy. I had a math class, Adri didn't come. She was feeling sick yesterday, I'm afraid her condition didn't improve. I'm very tired. And I feel bad. I didn't think my good mood would last for such a short time.