Wednesday, 12.29.2010 - 11:04 pm.
Huh. Five days without updating? That's a lot for my standards, but I guess it speaks of how busy I've been with my family. We've gone to malls, parks and restaurants. Not to mention the time we spend in the house hanging out or cooking. I've had a great time, I've enjoyed every second of this.
One of these mornings I was struggling to get out of bed, for it is so comfortable, and I thought -of course- about Joseph. But it was a very peculiar inquiry: "is it me or did I really NOT think about him at all the day before?". I had the feeling I didn't, and as small as that sounds, it'd be a giant step for me.
He comes and goes in my mind. I was walking around the mall one of these days and saw a t-shirt I bought him the last year we were together. I saw Invader Zim on the Netflix queue and I felt angsty because I got him the DVD and it was the coolest thing...I'm not sure what seeing that character wakes in me exactly. Longing, maybe? As in, "I wish we could watch it together"? Or "I miss having my own personal Invader Zim" (Joseph was quite a cartoon character)? But...it's just a second of my day. Then I look around and I'm as happy as I can be, and I have the chance to one day marry a guy that will actually feel comfortable around my family and being part of it.
I've also thought of JC a few times. I thought of getting him a tiny slinky (I once got him one and his cousin ruined it) but then I caught a picture of him on FB and remained firm on my decision of not speaking to him. Actually, that picture made my heart shrink because at first I thought it was of him with his girlfriend, but it was some other girl. I saw Mario Bros. stuffed dolls and thought, "man, if you hadn't screwed me up, those would have been yours".
You know who I'm getting stuff for? Q. Just a couple of little things. I give brownie points to this guy for his eagerness to remain in touch with me while I'm away. He's quite committed, you know? We have e-mailed each other every single day, and chatted every single night.
I'm not in love with him and I have yet to think of this as a boyfriend/girlfriend type of thing. I figure I don't have to take this so seriously, especially with the possibility of going to Chile. But one of these days, he took longer than usual to reply to my e-mail and I felt this thing in my heart...if I try to put it in words, I think it's that I do like him and I'm constantly scared that whatever he feels for me will disappear (a la Joseph, a la JC). He wrote back later, though, and that was all.
Well, tonight we had a little family meeting, just my parents, siblings and I, to discuss family affairs. Namely, us kids received our parents' will. No one is dying but these legal matters must not be overlooked. Then we had a little catching up and I got a little pep talk about my pursuit of a scholarship from Brother #2*. Things I already know, but he's like the leader of the bunch and was talking from his and my other three siblings' experience when he said I must not be fixated on one single goal, and that I have to get over all rejections (after shedding a tear or two), time after time, until I make it.
* Brother #2 is the most patient soul I know when it comes to waiting for someone to shop. He takes us all to places to shop or just walk around and window shop and that can last entire afternoons. You'll only hear from him how you must take your time and try everything on to make sure it's right and stuff. A patient soul indeed.
Also, on equally nice news, I'm carrying a huge loot back home.
I'm taking a plane back home on January 2nd and these days will go by fast. I hope I can write another entry before the year ends.