Wednesday, 02.02.2011 - 10:39 pm.
It's not just Joseph, you see. 2009 was a horrible year, filled with excruciating heartache, and I still haven't fully recovered from that.
Q and I celebrated one month together today. One month is nothing but it feels like six months for me. He also says he feels we've been together for much longer. That's cute.
For the most part, I'm pretty happy with him. But I'm not in love and by now I'm sure I won't be. I like him a lot and we have a good time together, that's all. I realized that today. I bought him a box of exotic chocolates and I wanted to add a card. I wrote "happy 1/12 of an anniversary" but I didn't feel like expressing any kind of deep romantic sentiment because, turns out, I have none.
I think I don't feel much for him in its own right but also, I'm left wondering how much of my numbness is owed to the heartbreakers of 2009. I've said this a hundred times, Joseph killed something in me.
In a few days, it will be Joseph's second wedding anniversary, his marriage still going strong. Yesterday I saw pictures and today I talked to a friend who said JC and his girlfriend are also going strong, after over three years of dating (minus the unfortunate months in which I came in, I wish I hadn't). Art keeps the joke with our mutual friend Claudia, I think, and from what I gather from her FB postings, he will be visiting one of these days. I still don't buy that relationship and I feel sorry and then I mock little Claudia; I love her and I tried to warn her. But hey, I could be wrong.
So see the pattern? With variations in every case, these three guys worked very, very hard to make me believe we had something serious. Then another girl comes their way and I'm dumped. I ended up feeling used, useless, hurt and ashamed. When the dumping happened and I saw helplessly how the next day, literally the next day (if not days before I was dumped) there was someone else in my place already, I'd get this sense of disgust in the pit of my stomach and an urgent need to throw up. My pain went beyond the heart and it extended to my stomach. My heart ached, physically, like it'd been pierced. And my stomach was constantly in knots.
Yesterday I drove by the hospital in which my friend Fer died two years ago. Joseph got married the day of the funeral, if I got it all correctly. I saw the building and I wanted to break down and cry like a mad woman....I remembered the fear I had of running into Joseph and his soon-to-be wife. Fer was in a coma for a week, and everyday I went to the hospital. Do you believe in miracles? It was a fucking miracle that I never did run into them. I seem to have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...all that came to me so vividly.
So it's not just Joseph. The other two guys of 2009 also remain with the girls they left me for and all of them are doing great. All three of them were nothing but rewarded for dumping me and continue to enjoy such rewards to this day, two years later. This hurts inmensely, I can't begin to describe it. I always cared for them and treated them with respect.
And while they add years to their amazing relationships, I know mine won't make it to two months. March 2nd, I'll be single and in Chile, one day away from starting my master's degree program. Don't get me wrong, that's way too awesome, it's what I've wanted and I'm grateful for getting it. Plus, like I said, my relationship doesn't exactly make my heart race, even if he's, objectively, a considerable improvement over my past lovers.
And yet I'm still bitter. I know I shouldn't focus on them, I should focus on me; I'm doing great. But I can't let go of how badly they hurt me. To me, the wound is still fresh, still open.
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