Thursday, 04.28.2011 - 12:13 pm.
A few days ago, my friend Monica wrote to me. Recap time: she and I got very close at the end of 2009. She was someone that left me in awe, pretty much a girlcrush: she's very smart and gorgeous, with an awesome voice, very talented and free-spirited. I helped her through her break-up, she helped me through the JC drama. And even aside from that, there was perfect understanding between us, and it seemed like a sisterhood was developing.
And one day, months later, she stopped talking to me. She didn't return my calls, my e-mails, my messages. I wasn't brokenhearted because I knew it wasn't personal. She was getting her wild side on again and had found a very attractive crowd with whom she could make music and get drunk and get other substances in her system like in the old times.
I was upset, though, why wouldn't I? Perhaps I was dissapointed, as I'd placed my hopes in her as a wingwoman, and a ticket to attending concerts and meeting new people. I felt cheaply replaced and I wondered if it had something to do with my White Stripes DVD that I lent her. Was is that she lost it or ruined it and couldn't bring herself to tell me? I asked her if she could return it because somebody else wanted to see it and she never replied.
My decision was to drop the whole thing and I stopped trying to contact her over the following weeks. I even came to Chile without having seen her for a good number of months, let alone saying goodbye. I was very much nonchalant about it, though, considering my issues with being ignored and replaced (coming from middle school and revisited with a few relationships). And I bought the DVD again, although I hated that the original one was a gift from Brother #2. I figured she'd contact me if/when she cared again.
She writes me one of these days like nothing happened, saying she couldn't say goodbye and how cool that I am where I am, and how I was doing. What did I do? I replied to her and we wrote back and forth for a couple of days, catching up on our lives. Then she stopped replying and haven't in almost a week now, even though I asked her a few things. I don't mind. I expected it.
I don't care about what happened. Quite the contrary, I was and am happy to be in touch with her again, however erratic our communication may be. She's like that, and people are what they are, you take them or leave them. I choose to take her. We're still fond of each other, so why should anything be wrong? Oh, and she said she has my DVD and she's sorry she didn't give it back. Lulz.
This is also a relief for me. I thought I just wasn't able to forgive. The cases of Joseph, Art and JC left me so hurt and bitter and with a blurred sight that I thought I was going to be like that with all the people who pushed me aside and/or replaced me. Granted, that seldom happens (I have a wonderful social network, word) but, you know. I'm like that with those three boys because they acted under the same pattern. However, I'm able to treat each person who does these things -rarely with intention to hurt me, even those three- with their own particularities.
Speaking of Joseph, I saw two pictures of him a few days ago. A common friend was tagged in that picture in an album from one of those stores that sell Magic The Gathering and similar stuff and promotes tournaments. I was surprised by having him in front of me but then I felt nothing. He was a stranger...I got the sense of having met him in a past life.
I smiled, you know? Not for him, for me. I'm good, I'm in an awesome place in life, physically and mentally. I was seeing him in the same place he was when he kicked me out of his life: he was showing a MTG card (by the name of the album, I assume he had won), making his signature face with a frown and half a smirk, not looking at the camera. I didn't think he looked that good and not for a second it occured to me he was other than a teenager. You tell me this guy is married and has a one-year-old son, I reply saying "cognitive dissonance".
I loved this guy to death. But I always hoped we could grow up together. I'm not into those games at all but I don't mind my boys playing them. Andrew has played MTG, WoW, you name it. He has a book on a very complex zombie role-playing game, he loves those. I appreciate the ability of grown-ups to play (psychology backs me up on this one), but you know, it's also great that parallel to that, grown-ups lead grown-up lives. Getting married and having a child per se doesn't make you an adult. However, I should leave it here...I really don't know from Joseph since three years ago and so I'm in no position to judge. I'm doing it with very little information...feels good, though!
Happy story: I dreamed that Steven Tyler and I became friends. Oh, man, how I loved this dream, we got along so well and was extremely charming. I also appreciate this dream because for the past three days I had an exhausting string of unpleasant dreams; they were long, with random narratives, involved loved ones and death. Like, a guy I was walking next to me was shot so many times; or me adopting a girl whose parents had died in an accident (and I saw the accident, I was on the roof of the bus that crashed); or being in a cemetery where a well-known politician was being buried at the same time as...Joseph. Not quite nightmares, there was no terror. But those and other scenes were just very unpleasant and revolting.
Last but not least: I GOT MY MONEY!!! INFINITE MONEIZ!!!!11!! The agency finally made my deposit and I'm getting all the money they owed me for these two months from my scholarship. SO MANY DIGITS! Andrew and I have to sit down and make numbers but wow...so much money, seriously. I'll be able to pay my half on everything and have a good trip to see Paul McCartney!
I know failure nor success is permanent, but let it be known: right now I'm on the fucking top of the world!!!!
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