Tuesday, 08.23.2011 - 10:52 pm.
I took friends to Joseph's house, I guided them there, apparently against my will. My mind seems to give a more severe angle to the street his house is on, and I always dream of a different version of his house. And yet, I know it's his (and his parents') house and there's always something so familiar about it.
I took them there, I was saying. I don't know who "them" were but I walked with them all the way to the living room and waited for Joseph and his wife to show up. Then I asked myself what the hell I was doing there if I didn't want to see the guy, let alone his family. So I went outside to the garage. I sat down against the wall and started reading a book. Some pages turned out to be from my own book, the second one (it's coming out at the end of the year), there were the stories that were all about a guy that ultimately traumatized me and I didn't want to see, and yet somehow I was stuck at his house.
He came out to the garage carrying a flowerpot. He looked at me sitting on the concrete floor and gave me a look, perhaps the look he used to give me when I did something silly. I couldn't say. I stared back at him, quietly, and then returned to my book. Even my eyes said nothing, I truly had nothing to say to him.
Then, I am riding in the backseat of his car. He's driving, his wife is the copilot and I have no idea if she's ignoring me or she just can't see me. I'm in the backseat with Andrew (!) and Joseph is taking us somewhere. I think it was a park, and at the park, I saw his son, but I cannot remember what all that looked like or what happened. Then my dreamed morphed into something else, that involved Brother #2, his family and weird giant creatures.
And I woke up. I hadn't dreamed so vividly of Joseph in quite a while. When I woke up, I had many more details fresh and I know he and I interacted in the dream more than I can remember by now. But it was always him looking at me, like waiting for me to say something, making silly faces to try to break the ice. It was me looking back at him, meaning "yes, I'm here where you are, but not because I want to, I have no idea how I got here and I don't want to see you".
(Truth to be told, a part of me does want to see him and fantasizes of an encounter, years from now with healed wounds...but trust me, I can live without seeing him ever again, in fact, I'd appreciate that).
I felt Andrew's body rub against mine in his sleep (I adore the way he instinctively hugs me when he's sleeping), and I thought Joseph may be sleeping blisfully next to his wife the way I now sleep blisfully next to my boyfriend. And then Andrew woke up and we made love, awesome love, like we've been doing almost every day for nearly two weeks, since the students' movement took over campus and he can't go to work.
It's weird, the way I think of Joseph now. Sometimes he haunts me, sometimes he doesn't exist. When it's the former, it hurts me how he made it with his wife (soon to reach their three-year anniversary since he got me out of the way) and what a lame girlfriend I turned out to be. I'm ashamed of the impression I left in his life, me, a nerdy, boring, repressed girl who never in four years learned to have sex properly. I try to convince myself he doesn't think of me anymore, so at least I'll feel there's nothing to be ashamed of anymore.
I really need to get serious in my search for a therapist.
But for now, doesn't matter, I had sex this morning.
These days have been rather productive. I'm helping the Clown Doctors to design an investigation to present at a Clown Doctors congress in Argentina.
I travelled this morning to the middle of nowhere to meet a stray dog and to donate money to the vet to cover the expenses of her treatment.
I donated stuff for a garage sale to raise funds to spay and neuter stray cats and dogs.
I fed a wet, trembling dog and he looked like he had come back to life when he was done with the dog food.
I went to Pilates yesterday and I'm in pain.
I went to a party on saturday, had my friend Tamara for pancakes yesterday, and today I spent the afternoon at Andrew's boss' house, being a fly on the wall on his and his coworkers' discussion about their job, campus on strike and the student movement.
Andrew is so supportive of me and my causes. He stood next to me holding an umbrella while, under the drizzle, I squatted and fed the wet, trembling dog this morning. He came with me to the vet's and bless his heart for that, because otherwise I could not have found the clinic. It's a 45-minute bus ride. He knew that and yet didn't hesitate when I asked him to come with me.
I feel lucky and blessed for having him in my life. It's also been therapeutic for me, making up for my mistakes with Joseph, while having someone who has many traits that I liked that I found in Joseph (it scares me sometimes) but is also quite an upgrade, in the sense that he wants to do something with his life. Andrew and I dream of going abroad, to an english-speaking country, to continue studying and simply seeing another part of the world. He cooks for me almost everyday now that he's home, makes me laugh, stands by my side, reads his Lovecraft books, plays his online role-playing games.
I wake up next to him everyday and I feel he's my husband. I suppose I'll only know when/if we get married, but I dare to say this is the married life. Ups and downs, routines, bills, kids (err, cats), tensions...but also a lot of laughs, common goals, fist-bumping, support and being in love. Andrew is truly my wingman.
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