Sunday, 01.01.2012 - 11:35 pm.
I didn't have a good start of this year. Well, technically, yes, because midnight found me in my living room, surrounded by my family: parents and sister, whom I got to hug tightly. My sister's son, Nephew #2, and Brother #1, his wife and two kids had been hugged earlier, before they left to see other people.
It also found me playing with a Kindle that my sister in law gave to me, for which I am eternally grateful. It was hers but she knows I love to read so she just said I should take it. She and my niece went back to Houston today, by the way. It's a shame we couldn't spend more time together.
But anyway, after that, I went to bed and picked up the book I'm currently reading. It described someone's first sexual encounter and I started to think about mine with Joseph. Truth to be told, I can't remember the first time; it's written in this diary but I cannot remember it. I do remember the first time he fingered me, and that since then and for a while, sex felt like rape to me. By now I'm consumed with guilt by how I handled it, but also I beg for him to understand, if he ever thinks of me, that I was just too innocent to handle it in any other way.
Suddenly, this image flashed before my eyes: the one time I walked into his bedroom in january 2009, after a few months of not being there (thinking that we were "on a break" even though I'd seen him with his now wife). The walls were painted with a nice pattern of solid blue and there was this vibe that somebody else had come into his life and changed not just his bedroom. There was also a woman's bag lying around. With those images, I couldn't keep reading and started crying.
I cried hard. All that and more is written in detail here but I don't want to go read it again. It hurts so much, it hurts just as hard as the first time. I go mad in pain when I remember all that show, his status about falling in love with her, their first pictures together, all for me to see, showing up in my screen without warning and without any strenght on my part to stop it. I saw that relationship develop right before my eyes and I can't get over that. I'm in tears as I write this because it was so incredibly cruel, everything about it was devastating for me.
Crying did some good, though, and my mind drifted into other things allowing me to fall asleep. But it was excruciating, and it's curious, to say the least, how time simply hasn't passed in a dark corner of my heart. It hurts the same, exactly the same. It's like I relive it all.
Today at noon I was left home alone and I started scanning some of my Simeon cartoons. But I had this terrible itch about Joseph and couldn't get my mind off of it. Ever since I came home, and even worse since he wrote me to wish me merry christmas (jeeez, WTF!), I've been nearly obssessed with him. In fact, before I broke down after midnight, I'd been thinking about him: out of nowhere I got pictures in my head, of him kissing his wife and son as they rang in the new year. It's not something I decide to imagine and it's not something that feels like simple imagination to me. It's like I'm there, like it's happening before my eyes.
Anyway, I was too fixated on him. So I said, fuck it, I'll check his fucking FB profile; it'll hurt but that'll put me in my place. I searched for his dumb message and his profile didn't have anything: he studied here and there, he has that many friends. The rest is private, no mention of his marital status. Cool, I could go on with my life now.
But I didn't. I went to see if he was still following me on Twitter. He did it in september, I remember because I was on my way to Montevideo with Andrew and didn't let that to bother me at all. I never checked until today, and turns out he isn't following me anymore. It took me clicking on a lot of users to find his account. Yes, I reached a tremendous low today.
But...it was bad. It was terrible. Look, I know we all make mistakes when writing but holy shit, his writing and grammar and everything about written language is so, so bad. It's a small detail, one that I always overlooked gladly because you love people as they are. But reading his tweets today was a huge eye-opener for me. I know he's working, not sure where; but he's still very involved with Magic The Gathering, even making podcasts and talking to people from other countries about it. It doesn't seem like a big gig but he seems to be right where he belongs so...hey, good for him.
He mentions his son a couple of times. He mentioned his possible date of birth and how he was still in his woman's womb (that's from last year, he's had the account since 2009). Just seeing him talk about "my woman" made me cringe. I'm not a born english speaker so I don't know how that works, but in spanish when you use "woman" as a synonym of "wife", it sounds like property (if you have advanced knowledge in gender stuff, of course; most people won't notice nor care). That tiny detail reinforced the sheer joy I feel occasionally over not being in her place.
His wife also had a twitter account. I've learned that she's indeed 23, so I can add to the long list of injuries that he left me for a younger woman (just for kicks, though, I love being my own age). She wrote on her bio: "uuuhh...uuuuhhh", and I said, so that's the kind of gal you wanted. She only tweeted like 20 times, a few times to him. She asks how their son is doing; he jokes he traded him for a puppy and 20 bucks and she asks if it was at least a pure-breed and then calls him meanie; she tells him "I LOVE YOU" (I never really told him that, even though I was very much in love with him; one of his reasons to kick me to the curb).
And they publicly tweet phone numbers. One it's of a doctor, but the other one was Joseph's number. I would have love to see that tweet when it was written and have someone call him and tell him his personal information, just to end with the advice, never make phone numbers public. That would have been a wonderful LOL as well as a reminder of internet safety. Oh, well.
So go figure, I got a kick out of reading all that. His 200+ and her 20+ tweets, though he hasn't tweeted since november and she for longer. I didn't find anything that'd surprise me. I figured they'd talk about their son or make references of them as a couple. And me, I didn't miss out on anything.
Later in the day I had a relapse that brought me to a state similar to the one I had after midnight. You may throw tomatoes at me, but look: I'll always be in love with him and have him in my thoughts and that doesn't worry me. I'm well aware that's not mutual and that's ok, he has another life (so do I), a -maybe- grown-up life that keeps him busy and happy and fulfilled; it's been like that FOR YEARS now.
But I keep relapsing because what happened in 2008 and 2009 was simply too much for me to handle. The circumstances of the break-up and all that followed was too overwhelming for me, and it exceeded my capacities to face and cope with adversity and heartache and shame. It was even humilliating, like when his wife contacted me pretending to be him...I knew something was wrong and I tried to be civil, until she sent me a nasty message about her dripping and begging for him to fuck her.
Oh, the memories.
Also today: JC sent me an e-mail. WTF IS UP WITH THESE GUYS?! They tear my heart a new one with their insensibility and years later they write me to wish me merry christmas and happy new year. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!
A part of me that does not exist anymore would be slightly flattered and maybe even pleased by the fact that they thought of me strongly enough to act upon those thoughts. But now I know better than that. I don't care about their motives to contact me, I just don't want to be contacted by them! It was so hard dealing with being dumped and inmediately replaced by Joseph, and used as a rebound by JC. I don't want their good wishes!
[My name], what's up? First of all, I apologize for violating your petition of writing to you before you wrote to me [damn right, I asked him not to contact me, that I would contact him...I never did it, for a damn reason!]. Anyway, if you don't want/don't feel like writing back, I will understand perfectly, that's not what I expect from writing you.I heard you're visiting and that you're doing great in a country that looks like a strip of shredded meat. I'm very happy about that.
I hope you're doing well and if you aren't, may you reach out for the coping strategies that we were not taught during our career.
I just wanted to say hello to you and send you my best wishes.
Bye.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to reply. I don't really feel like it. I'd excuse myself saying, yeah, I never contacted you because time didn't make look what you did any less ugly; however, happy new year. I'm fond of JC, deep down. Not in love like I am with Joseph, but yeah, he's a nice kid. I'm well aware that what happened with him was stupidity on his part and not ill intentions (with Joseph is much more complicated than that). But he's tainted, too, and I feel like staying away from him.
I don't really know what to do about him. I have yet to decide whether to reply and what. I find myself crying over Joseph or reading JC's e-mail and I just can't wait to get off the bus on thursday at 6 am, and run into Andrew's arms. I'm tired of the past haunting me like this. Andrew is my present and my future, and I want to go back to him*.
(*of course, I'm very torn on this, because leaving home, leaving my family and friends, is also heartbreaking. My mom is suspecting how serious Andrew and I are, and I imagine her anguish over me not coming back. I know, mommy...it makes me cry, too).