Tuesday, 01.03.2012 - 3:34 pm.
I'm packing my bags, my plane leaves tomorrow at 7 am. I was able to see friends all through the day yesterday, and I left CR's gift with Lighthouse because he never showed up. I'm getting ready to leave, or rather, getting ready to be torn apart...I'm leaving home and I'm going home. Andrew is waiting for me.
These two weeks went by flying and I didn't get to see everyone I wanted. But I covered most of my people. I don't think I spent enough time with my family, also, but it was quality time and tonight we'll have a farewell dinner.
As time passed by I kind of felt like seeing Q, my ex boyfriend from last year. For no other reason than feeling that I'm able to have a civil, kind relationship with an ex. I have two official exes, three with Q (plus all the guys like D, Art and JC that left me with blue balls); I appreciate them all but they all have their story. The first break-up was meh and the second one was a disaster I relive everyday to this day; with Q it was very amicable. But, you know...it also didn't feel quite right to me, meeting up with him, so I didn't list it as a priority.
The most important thing about my visit was written in my last entry. Every day was spent with anguish in my heart, thinking about Joseph and how happy he is with his wife. Going back over and over to all the moments that make me certain that he is head over heels for her, because they certainly are right for each other. I was never that good, in any way.
Yesterday I went out with Michelle and Victoria, my two best friends. I was able to talk to them about how deeply affected I still am by everything that happened, and Victoria said everyone around me was never entirely comfortable with my relationship with Joseph. Four years it lasted, and nobody understood what I saw in him or why we were together, and didn't quite trust him. And she said that it was obvious that I was very much in love and wanted to beat all odds. Indeed. But Joseph didn't, you know? Turns out he was on the same team of the ones that thought we shouldn't be together.
So in that sense, I haven't really been ok here. You could say it's my fault but frankly, this thing goes out of my control and it got worse with his stupid christmas wishes. It's not healthy, for example, thinking of all the ways Joseph's wife is much better than me for him but I can't help it. I still feel like a failure to the point of getting tearful. Looking back, I didn't leave anything valuable for him to remember: no gifts, no trips, no celebrations.
As for JC's letter, I'm going to reply to it, but just something short and sweet: there are reasons why I haven't and won't get back in touch with you but yeah, best wishes to you too.
I live in a parallel universe, Michelle says. I do. There's the real universe and the Joseph universe. Joseph occupies my mind in all ways, from the fact that he wasn't really a good match for me to the fact that he completely destroyed me. It's the real universe what matters, though, and in this one, I got my wish of breaking free and studying abroad, and Andrew is the man I adore and want to spend my life with. It's a rough dissociation that maybe shouldn't even exist, but that's how it works out.
Anyway. My next entry will be written from Chile. I have a full day of travelling ahead of me tomorrow, and I think this time it'll be more difficult to say goodbye to my family. The first time it was an adventure, it was my dream coming true. This time it's not so much of a fantasy or an adventure, as it is having to deal with the grown-up life of leaving home and the people you love behind thus splitting your heart in two.