Sunday, 02.19.2012 - 1:07 pm.
I said I wouldn't go and read my entries from my times with Joseph. I must be on a roll of Paradoxical Intention because I did just that last night. I wanted to write and I couldn't, for the life of me, remember a single episode that only a few weeks ago would have made me cry in a second.
I didn't think much about going back to the past and facing whatever what was there that I didn't remember. I only said, "oh, what the hell". I'm going these lenghts because I want this book (I call it book, it's just a bunch of short stories that I hope will be published -and enjoyed- one day) to be the last time I approach this subject but to do that, I gotta make something thorough, definite. And that's a good sign! Maybe now I am coming closer to being done with all things Joseph.
I was very surprised with what I found. For starters, I struggled. In those entries, I saw a girl refusing to be defeated, even though she felt devastated, humilliated and like the biggest loser sometimes. It helped a lot crossing paths with CR and Lighthouse, I was very distracted, and thus somehow healed, by hanging out with them. And with a lot of other people I reached out to during those days.
I had the courage to go back farther and I found something I needed for a short story I have in mind: the day I lost my virginity. July 17th, 2005. A year and two months later after Joseph and I started dating.
I found this entry, in which we discussed having sex. I was 20, but I was a child: afraid of sex, because I associated it with pain (yes, weird; suspicious, even); afraid of my parents finding out: "like, for example, I went to the gynecologist and he'd hint something about me not being a virgin anymore...and my mom heard". If he didn't laugh at me after that statement it was because he really wanted to get into my pants. I know it's ridiculous. I was ridiculous. I can tell you I grew up since then, during out relationship, but I don't doubt my naiveness was one of the reasons he fell out of love with to me.
But it wasn't just me. He could be a jackass sometimes. In the same entry, I tell him how scared I am:
- Me: because it scares me, first not being able to do it, and above all, to frustrate you in some way.
- Joseph: coward.
- Me: sometimes you're no help at all.
- Joseph: True.
He was a bully, really, he had an ability to troll people. The thing with me was that once he crossed that line (and since in those days I didn't know I had to NOT take him seriously, it didn't take much), I'd break down and then he'd be embarrassed and apologize and would try to repair the damage; he got like that after the coward comment.
It may sound pathological, like that certain cycle: he hurts me, I cry, he does damage control. It wasn't like that. He wasn't out to destroy my psyche. He could be a jackass but most of the times during our whole relationship he was very loving and supportive of me. He was committed to me, and when he dumped me, I thought I'd never find anyone that committed, that cared so much about me and felt so strongly for me.
...but I swear I'd never leave you alone if that [getting pregnant] happened. In fact, I'd be so, so happy. You make me want to be a better person. Now I want to get a job, a real job. You're the only one in this fucking place that motivates me. And I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore, I'm looking for a wife...I see you as my wife, I want you to be my wife.
I laughed when I read that last night. Poor thing, Joseph, I think he really meant it. Poor thing, me, of course I bought it. But hey, it was 100% true at the time, for me, and I think that for him, too.
In the entry after that one, I write about losing my virginity. In the aftermath of the break-up, I had this lingering feeling of loss, "but we were going to get married!". Then I'd question if that was true...did he ever even say that? Aren't I just making that up because *I* wanted and *I* thought we'd get married? I was glad to find my sense of "losing a husband" did have a reason:
"In two years, when you graduate, I'm gonna marry you, ok? Give me just this semester...next year I'll go talk to your parents. I don't care if I'm afraid of your dad, he has to know that I love you, and he'll have to accept me".
Oh, puppy love. Can you hear his Romeo tone? And I'm sure he talked about marriage many times after that. That explains why the day I graduated, when we were going to his house after the ceremony (to what I thought would be a session of celebration sex) I was thinking we could start talking about getting engaged. Instead, I was blindsided and he broke up with me and went into his house alone, to the woman that lived with him by then.
And what I was looking for:
I was actually trying to get him away from the bed.He put me against the window, and I won't forget the noise it made everytime I backed up. He slowly slid his fingers, and I was so scared. He'd done it once before, but I wasn't thrilled with the experience. It took him some time, because I was fighting back.
I started to feel...stuff. He always keeps (sic) asking how I feel, if I like it, etc. I didn't know how to tell him I didn't like it. It got more and more intense, and suddenly, just as I'd always thought I'd do, I started to cry. And I was breathing heavily, "it feels like you're tearing me apart".
...
I wasn't sure of anything. I wanted him to stop, but he kept going deeper and deeper and I had to stand on my toes (we were standing). Aside from crying, I started to bite his jacket, and I was trying not to scream. I wanted him out, and perhaps I started to cry because at the moment I was feeling abused and I wasn't seeing Joseph as Joseph but as a stranger. Though he kept asking how I was feeling.
But you know, afterwards I was happy. I felt accomplished, really, I was proud of finally...making Joseph happy by giving him the intimacy he wanted between us. Most of the responsibility about having such a hard time is mine: I had issues, strong issues with sex. He didn't know I was having a hard time and I didn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin it for him. He pressured me a lot to have sex, or so I've always felt (the first year of our relationship was a make it or break it), but I wouldn't say he was the bad guy in this. I'm not faulting myself, either. We were simply on different pages on this subject, and he was miles ahead of me.
I also found a couple of short letters to Joseph after he dumped me, about how hurt and angry and confused I was. I've always felt I never got to tell him everything I needed to. Maybe I did. And maybe the problem is that I think he didn't care. There's one for his 29th birthday...that one was never sent to him, but I thought it articulated my feelings very well. I may post it again for his birthday, which is nine days away. Although its feels like talking to a dead person. Could be, I know the guy I'm thinking of doesn't exist anymore.
All in all, now I have some material to keep writing. But after stirring all these ambivalent emotions from the past, today I deserve to go out with Andrew and enjoy my life.
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