Thursday, 02.23.2012 - 10:18 pm.
I've had a week of reading, writing, watching movies and series with Andrew, eating, going out for walks, to the movies and to the supermarket, and having sex. / TMI: who knew I had the sex drive to do it before going to bed and when waking up the next day? / TMI ends.
One of these days, Andrew and I went out for lunch and I asked him a question I was dying to ask him but feared he'd feel pressured when asked: did you make a decision about the doctorate program we were offered here? He seemed slightly uncomfortable, I think that's a subject he wanted to avoid but I had to ask because whatever decision he made, it affected mine.
And he said, I'll pass. It's a good opportunity but I'd be settling for less than I what want. I was relieved. I was going to enroll in the doctorate program if he did. Because that meant he'd have to stay in this city for four more years. That meant buying a house (better to invest in one than paying rent), and adopting a dog, maybe even having kids. In a word: settling down.
But it's not the program Andrew wants. And it's not the program I want; I want clinical psychology. And his decision takes away the potential security and stability we could've had knowing how it was going to be in the next four years. But it gives us the freedom to pursue what we want: I want clinical, he wants to study abroad. I often forget: I am living the dream of studying abroad but he's studying at home. And I told him, about a month ago, only take this chance if you think that five years from now you can be in this same city and we're married, maybe with children, and you can feel no regret for staying or will not feel that you missed out on something.
I feel free. I admired that he decided not to settle for this...perhaps I would have done it and that's not necessarily a good thing. I would have done it just to avoid taking a risk. But this, this leaves us in a state of uncertainty, as to what's gonna happen next year, where will we be, where are we going. I don't even know if I'll be able to ever get my doctorate degree, for a number of reasons. But it feels good knowing I'll have the chance to try, you know.
Bye, comfort zone.
Andrew is a really wonderful man. Every time I look at him my heart skips a beat, even if I've been with him in the apartment the entire day. He's very homely and makes reparations around the apartment or cooks a special meal. He got a haircut a couple of weeks ago and he looks so much more handsome with short hair. I am so in love with him, and I didn't think anybody would be in love with me that way again, or even more. I love him and I want him. What we have is beyond awesome. I'm so happy with him!
As for my writing...it's coming along. I'm forcing myself to do it, there's no way I suddenly feel inspired and sit down and write gems. I suck, what I write sucks and it will suck for years to come until I get better, but at least there isn't a day that goes by without me writing the draft of a short story, or polishing a previous piece, writing a blog entry or hey, posting in here like I'm doing today (to excuse myself for not writing anything in the word document that houses my works in progress).
And reading...yes. A lot! Even more so thanks to my Kindle, which fucking rules. There's this application for Chrome to send pages to it, so I read on there the diary entries of the people I follow, and thousands of articles I find interesting but are too long to read (I hate reading on the computer; it's tiring, uncomfortable and I get distracted easily). I already enjoy the content of the diaries/journals/blogs and articles I choose, but now it's such a pleasure reading them on this thing, savoring even more other people's thoughts, knowledge and life experiences.
Damn, my niece turns...18 tomorrow? HOLY SHIT! We used to be like sisters whenever we'd meet, even though it was just for a few weeks once or twice a year. I rarely talk to her now but I love her all the same. I wish her the best.