It's working...it's working!
Saturday, 03.31.2012 - 9:48 pm.

I calmed myself down after writing the last entry, put things in perspective and stopped calling myself names. Also that, with a little help from Ms. V., who once again comes to my cognitive rescue. I'll take my responsibility but I'll refuse the blame. Part of suffering comes from the way we see things, but it can very well be that there's also a thing on the outside that, objectively, hurts.

Speaking of such, the funniest thing happened last night, or two nights ago, whatever. I was doing a search on Facebook for a friend...Art's girlfriend, go figure, but she is...she, and I really don't make the connection with Art and I enjoy talking to her, even more so helping her out. Anyway! She was asking for references for a friend of hers, who wants to adopt a dog (yay!) and since I'm into that kind of stuff, I started searching for the associations I knew.

I started typing one of those names and that led the search bar to show me Joseph's profile, "12 friends in common". Aaaaah, fuck you, Facebook, why are you showing me THAT?! You never suggest him as a friend, so I figured you should know what went on, it's in your database! He and I were "in a relationship", then "married", then "in a relationship" again and after that he changed his status to "married" again, but to somebody else, not to me. You, Facebook, may remember that he untagged himself from my pictures, I blocked him for a year and then I deleted him. Just don't show him to me.

Still, before I could turn away in horror, I'd seen his profile picture. It was just him, luckily, no wife or baby in sight. It seemed...I don't know, very grown-up...ish. From the shoulder up, posing, over a background that was maybe foreign architecture. A lot of things crossed my mind, hurtful things related to how much his life improved after I was gone, with the travelling and the marriage and the baby, and maybe a good job because he finally had a reason to make that effort. But the thing that stuck the most was this: OMG...he's fat!!! YAY!

That's very low of me, I know. It's fattism. It's denying I've gained a few pounds myself since four years ago, obviously. It's being hyperbolic, too, since...you know, I didn't stare at the image and for what I saw, he's not fat per se, he just doesn't have the slender face I knew and loved; his face is just rounder, understandable. BUT FUCK IT! Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it! It's such a pleasure making fun of that! Let me have at it, for I have very few opportunities to step on Joseph and dance all over his fat ass.

Also, the book is coming along! I should probably stop talking about it because I always say the same thing, but working on it alone is a huge accomplishment for me. It's hard work indeed and it's paying off. I always get like punched in my stomach and get nervous when I open the document and I have to face the once crippling heartbreak all over again. But it's been so helpful, too, and it seems that once the story's over, it'll be truly over. Joseph falling in love with and marrying someone else right after our break-up will always be a painful subject for me, but I feel I'm getting my closure with this thing I'm writing. It's excruciating going back to all his hurtful words and hostile attitude towards me but it's also helping me to want to close that door for good. To finally have a scar and not an open wound, the way it's been all these years.

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