Investing, hoping and the never-ending aftermath of recklessness.
05.31.2012 - 9:28 pm.

Well, one more entry before May ends. It's been an expensive month but all for good causes: a trip to Bolivia on June 19th* and a new apartment for Andrew and I and the cats. Turns out I am above-average neurotic about spending money...I always thought it was because I didn't have much back then, but, hey, wouldn't you be if you spent twice your monthly income in one month? It's no laughing matter. But again, they're investments: a trip abroad and a nice place to live in. More thankful and less whiny.

* I HOPE I can go, anyway. It's a Psych Congress but it's been an ordeal planning the trip and I see no end to it yet. Andrew's going to the congress for sure, he has a paper to present on behalf of his research team. My research team on diabetes was also accepted to participate but the co-researcher, Tamara, says she's not going anymore and I was going to co-present with her. The main researcher and my thesis advisor (who lives in California), Dr. B., said that I could go by myself but that he sent the presentation to Tamara months ago. The worst of all this is that they're not on good terms. When I met them last year they were still a good team but I think both are tired and dissapointed in each other by now. So while you have all that drama going on, I'm not sure if I'll present or not.

And I still have to apply for a visa. I have to travel 700 kms to Santiago for that. There, more money to spend. I'm going next monday. Andrew is coming with me to keep me company, bless his heart. They may give me the visa the next day but I also need a visa for Peru and that's another day of waiting. Andrew's returning home monday night because he has to work on tuesday, I may return on tuesday or wednesday.

Ugh, such and endless stream of obstacles, man! I just want to travel to Bolivia for four days! Not to mention, I also have to ask the scholarship agency for permission to leave the country. I HAVE to get the visa and the permission, I already bought the plane tickets...because it's a requisite to apply for the visa. It's uncertainty on everything about this trip and meanwhile, I've spent a shitload of money on it already. Because I'm required to!

Moving on, before I start shedding tears of frustation.

Wait, speaking of tears. Yesterday I started thinking about Joseph. I'd been doing great, I can't tell if I think about him everyday or not. But yesterday the thought of him started to creep up on me. And I was angry, so, so angry at him. I always remember his christmas message and think of proper replies, and I'm more and more convinced that I should have just not replied at all. He was hell to me, so although we were together for more than four years, I now just remember him for the six months after he made us "take a break", in which he paraded his new relationship/marriage and criticized me and made me feel like shit.

Today was worse. I think I was more sensitive than usual due to my period because this morning I was moody over the smallest things. But also I was reading about trauma and in a very intimate way, I feel traumatized by what Joseph did. I thought about all that to the point of wanting to cry, of wanting to scream, of wanting to write him a message on Facebook spitting all the venom I've kept to myself. I got over it but still it was a couple of excruciating hours, tortured by my thoughts and memories. I kept telling me he's in the past, and he is, but he hurt me so much that he destroyed a part of me and I still find myself at a loss of words, even if I talk about that constantly (now less than before, thankfully).

Writing the book about this has helped me but even that plan is falling apart. I found a good friend, a poet and writer (he's been published and invited abroad to read his stuff), someone in the know, you see. I asked him some things about proof-reading something I was writing and he said he'd love to read me.

I sent him half of the novel and while I haven't heard his actual feedback, he wrote to me asking if I wouldn't hold it against him, because he knows people who write see his creations as their children, and nobody likes having their children being dissed. It made me feel so embarrased, but I already know it's not a good manuscript, it's not interesting, it's not well written, it's not a novel. But I'm hoping he'll have some advice on how to improve.

I was thinking of letting it go. Throw that "novel" to the trash, delete it. I started to think the writing may come off as too spiteful, a product of resentment, and I wondered if I was just trying to get revenge with it. But I'm not trying to portray Joseph as a bad guy; I'm telling what I saw, what I experienced, and that includes also telling my own mistakes on how I handled all this. It's my last attempt at healing, putting it out there. Back then, I didn't have the clarity to fight back and protect myself, to react properly and say the right things. He got away with everything thinking I was ok. Hell, he thought I didn't care.

I suppose it's that, after all these years, I'm still appalled at how he was so reckless with my heart. I don't think I was such a bad girlfriend.

Anyway. You could say life made up with me on this one, although, you know, it's not like life owed me anything just because I got hurt to the point of insanity (getting your ex of four months and his new hot wife a pair of cushions as a wedding present? Very sane!). But the thing is, I'm ok now.

So, again, moving on! I have a lot of things to look forward to: I have a couple of papers to write, and my thesis, and my patients (or patient...I think I've lost the incest patient, which makes me a bit uneasy and sorry). Also looking forward, or rather, hoping for everything to work out with the trip to Santiago to get the visa (and do some sightseeing with Andrew!), the permission from the agency and the word whether I'll be speaking at or just attending the congress. I NEED for Dr. B. to clear that up for me so I can register for the congress. Silly, busy, unreachable professors.

Carry on, then.

prev / next