Tuesday, 07.03.2012 - 10:03 am.
So, july...meaning: I have started my countdown for the end of the scholarship. The master's program director, who's been wonderful to me since I wrote him the first time, told me I could wrap up my thesis process in december, so I can start the paperwork for my residence(!) in time, before my student visa expires the first of march. Holy shit, why is God/the universe so good to me. Let it be known, I appreciate it.
Last thursday after my patient, I rescued a puppy in campus. I was about to walk by and leave him there because it's quite a responsibility to care for one, and "someone else will take him, he's cute". But I grabbed him, brought him home to feed him (Andrew sprayed him in case he had fleas) and took him to my friend Karin's vet clinic. She accepted him and is under observation, and then he'll get his shots and be neutered, and will be ready for adoption. Karin said she knows someone who may be interested, so I'm crossing my fingers. It's the second puppy I rescue and give up for adoption, all healthy and neutered. It's the smallest thing but the night I got him off the street I was relieved and glad I did it, because it was really cold and rainy and thought of everyone (human and non-human animals) sleeping on the streets. You do what you can.
When I returned from the vet clinic, I ran into a student protest and I suffered the effects of tear gas. Andrew gave me a lemon to bite. And at night, professor B. called me from California, saying that, after all, he was able to give me a refund for all my expenses in Bolivia. PROFIT! He seems very grateful for presenting his/our work at the congress so I think he insisted with the funding agency. That was unexpected and will be such a great help, since I seem to spend more than I earn these months (for good reasons, though: a new apartment, traveling to Bolivia for the congress, mostly house stuff and food). I'm so grateful.
Change of topic: I think I had the definite dream about Joseph. I always say this, at least in my mind, but can it get any more definite than seeing him having lunch with his wife and toddler? A long, long time has gone by and that dream made me nothing but really sad. I didn't want to be in that portrait, not after I've continued living and found out what else is in store for me. But Joseph, he still makes me sad. About how nasty things turned out and how fast it happened, and I never stopped feeling like it all was a little cruel to me. I suppose I still can't digest the thought of him married and with a son. It made me sick seeing him develop to that stage, so the result, while entirely logical, is something I don't...I mean, I accept it, it exists, and since there's a child involved I don't dare to ask for that couple to split. It just makes me sad. Really sad.
I had a night full of ugly dreams, you could even say this was the least harmful. I also saw Joseph later, in another dream, I suppose, in which a friend of mine was talking to me in a cafeteria and Joseph was just standing next to him, with a typical pose of arms crossed, waiting for the moment to end.
I gave up on the idea of writing the novel about what happened between us, I suck. But I continue re-writing the story. It'll be a short story. Or a long short-story. I'm having more fun with it that way but also, since it's more straight to the point, the wound is more exposed. So that's probably why I dreamed of him and his wonderful life after me. I remember (mostly because I told this here and is in the story) that once he wrote in his online status "happy, I got everything I wanted in a year". In the year that he wasn't with me, that is. The year he was refering to was the year he found her and broke up with me, married her and got her pregnant; I think he traveled to Europe, too. It really hurts and that made me feel like I was such a burden to him.
Before committing to rewriting the story, I was a bit hurt already, by another of the boys of 2009. Art is still with Claudia and he recently went to our home country to spend time with her. I looked at the pictures of him, of both of them and...I wanted to get angry but I just got dissapointed in him. I look at his picture and it's like he's laughing at me, "haha, you fell for it. I was just playing". It's bad enough that someone makes you believe they have feelings for you, that they are pretending just for their own amusement. It's worse when it's done by your good friend of ten years.
I ran to my best friend Victoria to pour my heart out. She's been busy, she's getting married this month(!) but she always takes the time to write me and tell me how things are going, a close relationship that goes way back when we both were a couple of silly brokenhearted girls. So anyway, I tell her I don't envy them, I'm glad I'm not the one in the picture with him. I love Claudia, we were classmates in middle and high school and she's sweet. But I'm not happy for her, for them.
She replies the same thing. She's been close friends with Claudia for years and she doesn't predict good things for the couple. She tells me they're getting married and she's moving to California with him, but since he got his US residence he stopped working and studying. He worked in retail, last I knew, and gave up becoming a doctor and then becoming a nurse. He used to be very intelligent but stopped caring. He's a mess and I'm so sorry for him, for Claudia. Even though I think it's very unjust that he never cared for hurting my feelings and just shrugged it off, I think I'm the winner in this. If anything, by default.
Or by something bigger. I mean, it may be clich� but every morning I feel so lucky for waking up next to Andrew. He's been the one pushing me to check for important dates regarding the scholarship/master's program to book our flight to my country as soon as possible (they're very expensive). He has his flaws, like we all do, but in turn he's very loving, supportive, respectful, smart, committed to everything he does. And as of yesterday, he also bakes bread! Crunchy on the outside, fluffy on the inside. I'm so in love with him...it's that feeling I thought I'd never had again with someone, the feeling of being home.
Speaking of commitments, today I will write my sister and my friend Victor2, work on the short story even if it gives me more ugly dreams, proof-read a paper (I was going to get paid but the scholarship doesn't allow me to; so let's say I'm paying it forward for all the good things going on in my life), prepare a research for one elective. Maybe make a Simeon cartoon. And above all, go to the supermarket. Now.
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