Wednesday, 10/02/02 - 5:23 pm.
I had the bad luck of being picked up late from school. I had to spend time with Veronica's friends and Carmen's friend (they were around but you know...there's nothing among us). I'm really uncomfortable being with any person from that group.
Today was one of those days when I miss Denver. But it's ok. I kind of still have yesterday's feeling. I am Jack's hopeless emptiness.
Now, I have only two weeks of school left. Practically it's a month, but having in mind I have two weeks of exams (the monthly and finals) it's just two weeks of normal schedule. And then school is over. Sometimes I get desperate, because nothing can happen in two weeks. At the same time, I don't want anything to happen, because it'd end too soon. I guess two weeks is a bad period of time.
Other than that, I've had a...nice day, I suppose. Pablo and I have now this look at each other, that makes me feel good. Like we've done something bad, and the secret has created a bond. This morning he was with Vic and I said hi to them. Here's our sister, yo. And when we kissed goodbye, he said goodbye, sistah...I love ya. Dammit....I love this man *tear*
I did wish I was with them and not with Veronica's and Carmen's companions this afternoon after dismissal. I feel more connected to that gang. I feel more accepted, and more appreciated. They pay attention to what you have to say. They let you cry if you need to...and stuff like that.
Justify it all
(track #3)
I hurt my body
to heal my soul
I hurt myself
because I can't hurt you
I have one too many wounds
and one has your name on it
you don't understand what's going on
so all you do is label it as right or wrong
You don't know what it's like to hit bottom
and climb all the way back up
you don't know what it's like to destroy yourself
to be reborn without a cross to bear
You hurt me deeply
and you still say I shouldn't hurt myself
that I've gone too far this time
but I tell you that's not (even) half the road you've paved.
All your preaching is about to stop being so dark
but you don't even dare to admit
that only in the darkness of night you get to see the stars
burning themselves up just to shine.
You claim to know what it's like to hit bottom
you don't know what it's like to be hurt by you
you don't know what it's like to destroy yourself
hoping to find a statement to justify it all.
I showed the page with those "lyrics" to Vic. He read it. I didn't know I'd get such reaction from him. From his silence, I was thinking he'd give me the paper back to me saying how cool, and then go onto another subject. But no.
- Vic: HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT! Who came up with this?
I had a short struggling in my mind but then I pointed to myself.
- Vic: YOU FUCKIN' SON OF A BITCH!!! It sounds so fucking Deftones, I thought it was written by Aerosmith or something...YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF!.
I blushed. I'm really ashamed of those "lyrics" or whatever they are. They do sound more like Deftones than Aerosmith (IF they sound like anything coherent). But he said they were brilliant, blah, blah, blah...well, you can make the music if you want, I quietly said. Ten minutes later, he was singing it, and he had already copied the words so he could work on them tonight. I rolled my eyes and Simeon went: ooh-hoo, fuck. It's really embarrasing.
Sometimes I write two or three songs in a row. I work on them when I'm taking a bath or something...but almost any of them get to be written down. And the ones that do, end up in the trash bin the next day. This one was on its way, but maybe Vic can do something about it, I told him he could do whatever he wanted (well, all I'd have to do is "...what's going on *with me*", so I can make the riff longer). I bet he'll make it sound like Tool or Deftones.
Yeah, well, ok, whatever.
I wrote it thinking of what has been happening to me these past months. I guess Vic took the song as a suicidal song but that's not what I intended it to be. Not entirely. But someone said the good songs are the ones people can relate to and give a personal meaning to.
(not that mine is good...but at least I understand the importance of giving the listeners the freedom to create their own meaning to the words, your own words, without getting stuck in the same personal issues that are even written by other people because "I couldn't be there at the moment of writing" - right, Britney?)
Yeah, well, ok, whatever.
I have to finish this book...it sucks and it doesn't. It's about a crime, some guy raped and murdered a little girl, and the judge studies everything about the guy and the enviroment he grew up in, the things that happened to him and the kind of influences they had on him...I thought he'd finish blaming society for not creating the minimal conditions for the people that surrounded the guy to grow up in a good psychological condition, but he actually went further, and he concludes that the one who should be judged is not the guy but God Himself. It's a nice idea (I mean, understanding the roots of the problem, not just the crime itself) but the book is boring.
Anyway, I'll go do that.
By the way, I saw The Guy today. Since he's dating this girl, Diana (a classmate of mine), he greets me when we run into each other but never calls anymore. They sat near me today during lunch. And I wanted to burst...I was about to crack up. I just smiled. And kept looking at them. He was resting his head on her lap, and she was running her fingers through his hair...pretty much the way I did on june 5th, 2001. I think it'd have been funny if I had turned around and say: You know, Diana, I was once in your position.... I wouldn't even finish the sentence. They look funny together. I was closing the classroom door when I hear them coming behind me and it's something like:
- The guy:...no, leave the door open for us...we're going in...then you can close it.
- Diana: what for?
I nearly laughed in her face, at her innocence. Girl, can't you see he wants to make out?!. No, she couldn't. Her face was a huge question mark when she asked "what for?". When you date a boy like him, you get a bad reputation...not slut or anything, just as a "product in use". God bless Himself for not letting me date him.
*Simeon runs up to yours truly and shows her the quotes book*...*yours truly reads*
"The years teach much which the days never know" - Ralph W. Emerson.
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