Thursday, 10/03/02 - 3:40 pm.
Everything was ok, until suddenly it was the second recess and I was at the cafeteria, and all the people I hate to have around were around: Veronica, Carmen, Denver...and their companions.
I didn't say a word to any of them, but seeing them was enough to upset me. A lot. This morning, on the school bus, I realized I'd forgotten a piece of glass, my "use it in case of emergency" glass.
Eeeh, it doesn't matter. You won't need it, anyway. Your life is getting better. Love, me. One of my voices sent this note to me, as a reply. I thought yeah, what could ever make me want to cut myself?.
A few hours later, I was upset because of said insignificant event. BUT...Veronica had given me a bracelet made out of small hooks. You shouldn't have, I said with a fake smile. I was surprised to see the hook worked as much, and even better, than the broken mirror.
Vic was really pissed off, too. The entire day. I didn't ask him why. All I did was "write" in his arm with my hook:
y o u a r e b l o o d y s p e c i a l.
I almost make his arm bleed, but it didn't.
What kind of friend are you? Encouraging your brother to self-mutilate! Shame on you!, a voice in my head said. But I didn't regret it. For several reasons.
After I ran into them, I went back up to the hallways, and sat by myself. I was alone. I liked to be alone. Then Carmen saw me and said: I'll keep you company. We didn't talk, not a single word in those ten minutes that felt like an eternity. I wanted to tell her to just go away. But actually, after a couple of minutes, I completely forgot she was there.
Unlike that episode, I spent the third recess with Elsy. She came by and said hi. And sat next to me, on the floor. I waved at her. You don't wanna talk?. I nodded. Me neither. We didn't talk the entire recess. She exchanged a few words with a few people that walked on by, but between us, there was no sound. It felt way different than my silence with Carmen though. When the recess was over, she held my hand and walked me to my desk. I mouthed "thank you". She smiled and walked away.
During lunch, I was wondering what was the difference between Carmen's and Elsy's silence. With Elsy, it was like giving and receiving silence. A mutual relationship. With Carmen, it was more...I don't know, I didn't talk to her because I didn't want to. I didn't talk to Elsy because words weren't needed.
We were dismissed earlier this afternoon. And when I came home, I discovered I'm missing some photocopies. And those -what a coincidence- are material for tomorrow's exams. Sure, 10 pages containing all of the systems of the human body, plus notes I'd taken during class. I'm guessing is Adri who took them by mistake. If so, let's say Adri took home 70% of my exam grade. Leaving out the reasons, she borrowed my photocopies to write down my notes (the reason does justify this action)...she's one of the sweetest, nicest people I know, but with a mood like mine today and attitudes like hers today, I nearly hate her. Man, I'm screwed.
I suppose it's Self-Mutilating Night for me tonight. I already started at school. I'm frustrated. Academically and emotionally speaking.