Ending the year with hopes, plans and everyday issues.
Monday, 12.31.2012 - 3:18 pm.

My wish to be helpful around the house has come true. M, the housekeeper, went home for five or six days for New Year's and I get to make breakfast for my parents every morning. I wake up very early. I also try to be with them for lunch, coffee time and dinner, although sometimes I go out during one of those times. I help my mom around with other minor stuff, same with my dad.

I've seen friends, more than I expected. I saw CR and Lighthouse, I was so happy about that. They seemed so happy to see me, too. They offered to pick me up at my house and I just bit my lip when I read that text. We went for dinner and then they took me to Lighthouse's new gallery. He gave me a t-shirt and I bought him a painting I liked. CR was being his usual odd self, talking about how Kennedy was murdered for knowing too much about aliens and how the moon is hollow. They asked me about Andrew and I told them, like I've told other friends, that I'll need tourist guides when he comes in february with me. They're all up for it.

I've also spent time with my brothers and sister, having heartfelt conversations about my parents' situation and how I must not feel bad or guilty about leaving home, even if my mom is sick. They said my parents never made such subtle yet insistent pressure on them about their own life plans, asking for explanations and demanding to know down to the last detail. I'm the last child and a woman, yes, and my parents are being unfair to me, they say. And me, I can only with the flow on some things and let go of others. My brothers and sister have been very supportive of me.

I've had a couple of serious talks with my parents, I've assured I'm really happy, Andrew and I are in for the long run, and I'll be ok if they are. My dad will be very traditional on the whole meeting Andrew protocol, and my mom will still bawl when I say goodbye to her on January 2nd. She's getting really emotional, a side-effect of her illness and treatment. I met with my good old friend and mentor W, who is an expert on psychosomatic science, and showed me the evidence of how people with cancer have a history of a few things, one of them being experiencing a loss. "It's not a coincidence that your mom is ill now that there's an empty ness", he said. It's not the cause per se, but it's an important factor. I thought of a few patients I've seen with a somatic profile and I said, fuck. One in particular was like my mom: she turned very fragile and fell ill some time after her youngest daughter left home to live abroad. My mom reminds me so much of her.

I don't tend to reflect much on the year. But I have a lot to be thankful for. Regardless of the cancer, it's been a wonderful year. It seems it wasn't a mistake not to panic over the cancer, and not feel too guilty about many things. I do wish I lived closer to my parents to help more, and I'm grateful for my brother and sister who live in the same city and look after them, and for my two brothers who come from the States as often as they can. We'll find out the results of the chemo during january and then we'll make decisions.

I woke up this morning with the feeling of having dreamed about Joseph. I have been thinking about him a lot. Even he came up during one conversations with my parents, they and my brothers were never sure he was good for me but decided to keep quiet and leave it to me. I feel very bad for Joseph though I probably shouldn't. I never wished for him to make tons of money or got PhDs, but I did want him to grow up so we could be partners, build a household together. Strangely enough, I hope he isn't in the same place he was when he was with me. I mean, it's strange that I'm wishing for him to be ok. I never wished him well though I didn't wish him ill either.

Later in the day, I wondered if I had dreamed of Andrew and not of Joseph. I talked to Andrew last night, he was feeling down about some decisions he made throughout the year that didn't turn out so well. But we talked it out, it's all fixable (it had nothing to do with me, for a while I feared it did). And he's waiting for me. And we're coming back to my country in february.

I don't really make New Year's Resolutions, but I have to write more. The rest is everyday struggles: treat others nicely, learn more about my profession and everything else and act upon that knowdledge, and look after my family, friends and people and animals that are at my reach.

Happy 2013!

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