Sunday, 08.11.2013 - 6:43 pm.
I've applied myself this time and I'm writing more, on three blogs and a in a notebook...sometimes in this diary, too, as you can see. Still not with the discipline someone who claims that loves to write should have, but I'm making progress.
Maybe I'll still be able to self-publish those (very) short-stories this year. They're all coming together nicely. Different stories based on heartbreak and failing and thriving, all within a small universe. However, I have to find someone who knows about reading and writing and has the time to check them out. I could say they're decent, but a peer review is needed. There's my friend Virginia, she's quite honest and holds nothing back. And maybe she knows someone else.
That aside, the usual. I work from home, mostly, and it all feels very freelance-y, although I have a fixed income and a contract with the university. But the amount and type of tasks varies constantly, depending on how quickly I finish them. Mostly, I prepare papers to submit to academic journals. I get credit sometimes too, that's really neat and good for the resume.
I have a contract with the university indeed but I'll probably get paid until september. I get paid in two reseach projects as well, but just enough to pay rent and groceries and such. Andrew and I have entered a state of austerity because he was spending too much, and the debt he hoped to have paid off by the beggining of this year is still there. That does not affect me, as we each have our own money and only combine it for household stuff (and occassional meals and trips out of town). But he was really worried and asked me to help him spend less, since I tend to be more careful with my own spending.
Wait, it does affect me, greatly. We are cancelling our trip to see my family. We'd planned on going in december, or in february. That's why he approached me in the first place asking for help, he shamefully admitted that he couldn't afford the trip. That didn't mean I didn't have to go, in fact, he encouraged me to go on with the plan.
Now, I don't know. I am not so better off myself, I'm still pretty much living off the last of my savings. And second, he doesn't quite understand how difficult it is for me to leave him for yet another holiday.
I resent him for that. I was really looking forward to spending Christmas with my family (and he is family) in the United States, and having my two older brothers meet him. I'd get happy just thinking about it, my best memories come from those holiday family get-togethers and I couldn't wait to show Andrew what that was all about.
Instead, this could be another year in which I'll have to spend Christmas away from him. Our third holiday as a couple, our third holiday apart. It makes me angry. Or, I could stay with him and have my very first Christmas away from my entire family. That breaks my heart, too. He doesn't understand how much this hurts. Or he does, maybe, but there isn't much he can do. He knows he's made a mistake handling his money; and it's not the end of the world, he's not broke, just behind on payments when he expected not to be. He's trying to make amends but there's not a short-term solution for that.
I know that either option I pick will fuck with my heart, so whatever. I'm waiting for my four siblings and parents to decide where most of them will be for the holidays (in my home country or in the USA) and then I'll see if I can afford a plane ticket. If I can, I'll go with them. If not, I'll stay with Andrew. I want both things and they're mutually exclusive, and both have an amount of joy and sorrow. Whichever I pick will have me feeling as good and as bad as the other.