Saturday, 07.05.2014 - 6:17 pm.
Holy shit, it's freezing outside. I'm ok, I have a heater. I feel anguish for all the stray dogs. It may seem petty but truly, it's heartbreaking. I haven't taken in any for a long time but it's mostly because my budget wouldn't handle a rescue case right now. And Andrew and I are too busy to put ourselves to it. And also, I'm always scared the dog won't get adopted. So little adopters for so many dogs.
***
This morning I had the entry I wanted to write perfectly structured. In fact, I woke up and wanted to write it inmediately so as not to skip any detail. Detailing dreams is boring for everybody but the dreamer herself, I know, and by now it's not that important. In fact, it's just a reflection of old desires and I want to brush them off as such. Or they could be unconscious desires, if you want to play Freud, but I really don't want to have them. I know at some point I did but by now I have other priorities.
Anyway, in this dream I went back to my home country, as I'm supposed to do in a week and a half. I was walking down the street and I saw Joseph. He looked like I remember him, all fit and shit. For some reason, I looked at him and I knew his life hadn't changed: he worked at a call center (I don't know if he ever did after we split; his ex-wife did) and lived with his parents.
Then I'm in my home, with my mom and Frog. Frog!!! How I loved that dog, she was the best. I start playing with her and from the corner of my eye I notice Joseph sitting in the living room, like waiting for me.
Here's the thing, I know I've said it before but it bears repeating: my dreams with him have evolved as our relationship did: when we dated, I'd dream he was hidden from my parents in my bedroom. Since he broke up with me and I moved out of the country, I'd dream of visiting his house or coming near it but with him never in sight. Then I'd get news about him from other people, and I'd hear stuff like he's coming to the country I know live in. Then in my dreams I started passing him in the streets, ignoring him. I don't remember my last dream about him, if we interacted.
But this time we did. I was in a go-kart(!) following my dear Frog in a bigger room adjacent to the living room (where there's the dining table and the TV set). He gets up from the couch and as I pass by the living room he says he missed seeing me smile. I'd seen him before, sitting there, and prefered to ignore him. But I hit the brakes when he said that and I hit reverse, since I'd already passed him. He smiled at me. I didn't know what to do or say. The nerve of that asshole, I thought (I guess), after all the shit he pulled through with me.
Then I'm sitting in the kitchen and he comes to tell me something. The whole conversation I forget, but it was about him never getting over me, loving me forever, and me not wanting to be in touch with him at all. So he kneels to kiss me goodbye on the cheek and I look for his lips, and when I find them I think: "Andrew!" and turn away slightly, although my face is still touching his. And maybe other stuff happened but I don't remember.
The dream was so heavy on me, emotionally. It was a whirlwind but conveniently enough, I've forgotten most of the things I felt by now.
(Fuck emotions, in my dream I had a go-kart and I played with Frog!)
There was too much. I'm honest to myself, I never fell out of love with that guy. But then being wide awake, I can assure you that such guy I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore; that he most certainly got over me (the contrary is just my long-time fantasy); and that even if I'm wrong on the former and the latter, Andrew is the love of my present and future life.
In that regard, he and I had a morning for breakfast downtown, getting haircuts, paying our lease and shopping at the supermarket. Bonding, domestic stuff. It was nice, and with it the dream was put in its proper place. We're starting to get ready for our trip to my home country, we leave the 15th at night. But right now I'm looking forward to our pizza night.
***
On a whole-other-level heartbreaking note: Brother and SIL #3 lost the baby. I don't know how to respond to his e-mail about it. I teared up silently a little bit but there are no words.
prev / next