Thursday, 10/10/02 - 5:11 pm.
Before classes finished, we got our graduation cards. It has the 110 names of the Class of 2002. How neat. Right now I'm not entirely excited about it, but maybe I will later.
I feel kind of sad for Yaha, Ricardo and Pereira because they're in some kind of stand-by. They were not given those cards and they won't, because they haven't met "the academical standard". They may not even show up at the graduation, unless they improve their grades. I hope they do. The three of them are from room D, which proves that us D-roomers suck the most (that's just an old saying of us).
My day was kind of cool. Starting from the fact that my classroom is the loudest of the four. We all are like having ants in our pants, no teacher can calm us down. And of course, there's the homosexual rape, 11 boys against 1. Hands everywhere, and specially there. And that's when it happens in the classroom. At times like lunch, my classmates are joined by boys from other rooms. Fun times. Sometimes. Not that much, now it's psychological torture for every male.
When it happened this afternoon, it looked scary. Some boys were waving at others, pointing out the "chosen one". They opened classroom B with a phone card (the classrooms are closed during lunch) and everybody walked in...then they walked out, grabbed the boy (this time it was Cory) got him inside...and all I could hear was mayhem...a complete orgy inside. How cute.
Changing topic, I had written in my hand murder me. I thought this was gonna be just another day, like the rest of the days, since he started breaking me up. But....uh, no. I got to spend the first recess with Norman. And Denver was with him. So it was the three of us. I just heard them talk, all I said was something to Norman, about lesbian masturbation in the girls' room (err, that's another story...).
It wasn't anything exciting, though. I had no real interaction with him. All I remember from the conversation was that at one moment, I looked at his face and went: God, I like this boy. But on the second recess he was with her. Her, again. They went to the cafeteria together and then went up to see the soccer match together. It's been three days now...there you go. He never went with you, and all of a sudden, he's going with her! Doesn't that tell you anything?. I didn't cry. I saw that coming. All I felt was an unbereable anger, I wanted to kick something. But I stayed calm and had a snack with Art and Cel, which is always good. They kind of make me forget about it, at least for a while.
The third recess was kind of weird. I was with Norman near the classroom doorway and then someone punched me. It was him. I sat with Norman and he sat with us. Norman went to the boys' room, and he stayed with me. It was a rather...unique situation. He was sitting in the middle of the hallway, with his feet touching the wall, while I had my back against it. We were three feet apart. I was looking around, thinking about something to start a conversation. He was looking around. And five minutes went by in complete silence.
Then I saw he was whispering or something and I asked him what it was...
- Him: I'm counting the geometrical figures of the ceiling...it's 14 triangles and 27 waves.
- Me: it's 23 hanging plants along the hallway.
And that's all we said.
It was an awkward silence. Well, someone could label it as awkward. I was expecting he'd just get up and leave at any second. But he didn't, until the bell for class rang. His usual goodbye-less goodbye.
Me...I can't say I was in heaven. I wanted to feel uncomfortable to avoid having my hope reborn. But I didn't feel uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. I was feeling so damn good, just to have him there, three feet away from me, even if he was thinking of mathematics. After one minute of being there, I stopped trying to come up with a question to ask. I had nothing to ask him. I had no necessity to talk to him. Words were just useless.
That moment was just...wonderful.
Art and Cel were walking by and Art made some...I don't know what it was, but like asking: weeeell?!?!. Later on, Cel hugged me with exaggerated strenght and I knew she meant she was happy about what she'd seen.
I was kind of glad he killed my hope. I'm trying not to think about it too much, I'm sure tomorrow will be like the usual. Today was just some kind of Matrix glitch.
When classes were over...a lot of things happened, but to make it short, he was there with some of his girl friends and I approached to the group, because the obese girl was in that circle (she's the friend of a friend of Denver) and I was going to tell her something. I waved at her and she waved back at me, and the others in the group turned around and looked at me (the "who are you waving at?" look). Suddenly, Denver goes: hey, she's missing!.
He walks up to me and shows me his arm: bite me. I thought "no way" and I said "no". Because I'd heard: he'd asked a few girls to bite him. I didn't want to be just another one. He said again, and I replied "no". He grabbed the back of my head and pushed me to his arm. Ok, ok...I will. He showed me his arm and I...pressed. I felt his trembling when I had his flesh within my teeth. (Voice: does it hurt you, bitch? Huh? Does it?). At least I hope it leaves a deeper mark than the rest.
I don't feel special. I'm not entirely glad because of what happened today.
On second thought...I am.
I just don't want to be, because that'd be like getting a new hope. And that's useless. Today, Geovanni said something about wearing your feelings out in a one-way relationship. I feel that way. I don't want to be let down again. Not again.
Yes, it was nice. Let's leave it that way.