Tuesday, 11.18.2014 - 3:57 pm.
So, yeah, I got married. It went well.
The days leading up to last saturday were not as chaotic as I'd have expected but I was exhausted, as Andrew was. There were errands to run and siblings to welcome and work to keep up with.
About the day itself...well, I didn't anticipate it much and thus I got to enjoy it. I lived day by day, trying to accomplish each task in front of me. It was a sunny day, luckily, so we got to have our cocktail outside, in the gardens by a pool. The people we hired for the event were very efficient, so everything went smoothly.
Except Andrew and I made a mistake when arranging moving so many people and my parents were late and missed the civil ceremony. We were all brokenhearted but the next day we talked it out and it alleviated the pain a bit. They didn't miss much, it was 10 minutes long, we'd done the paperwork in advance. They were there for the celebration and gave a little, moving speech (as did Brother #1) and that's what matters.
Except for that, everything was perfect. All weddings are pretty much the same in the end, the differences are in the details. I wore a white short dress with red flats. Andrew looked handsome in a black suit with red tie that matched the belt around my waist. We walked in to The White Stripes' "We're going to be friends" (I may be biased but it was fucking beautiful) and all music was hand-picked by us, and people related and enjoyed it. Food was abundant, as well as the good spirits among the guests. We had like 75, out of the 80+ people we invited.
Instead of dancing we had a raffle, one book per table; one of the chairs in each table had a hidden bookmark with pictures of us, and whoever found it won. And instead of booze, more food. We gave away mini-cupcakes with the frosting in the shape and colors of our cats, Nico and Marla. My siblings (brothers and SIL) gave Andrew and I a night at a fancy hotel, complete with a bottle of champagne, because he and I had completely omitted a honeymoon.
And there, I'm married. I'm happy and excited but deep down, Andrew is still Andrew for me, greatest partner ever. Yeah, ok, it's weird to say he's my husband. It means no turning back and hopefully, indeed, until death do us apart, many, many decades away from today. But I was saying: he's just Andrew to me. "Just". He's part of my life, part of me. Only that claim has legal support now.
As for my family, I'm exhausted. Two parents, two brothers, two SIL, two children, and, until sunday, an aunt and an uncle. I feel overwhelmed sometimes, so does Andrew. They're great, I love hanging out with them. It's just a handful, you see, making plans and going out with so many people at once. I lose my patience sometimes and then I feel guilty because they're here for a short while and life's too short, their trip's too short, to be in a bad mood. But it's still overwhelming.
Right now they're out of town, to spend the night in a cabin and go sightseeing near a lake and volcano and hopefully to visit some thermal springs. It's a relief having some time to myself and get some work done (*cough* I came to write in my diary though *cough*) but also, I miss them. I don't want them to leave. Brother #2 with SIL and my 7 year-old nephew and 10-month old niece leave on thursday night. Brother and SIL #1, on friday noon. At least my parents will be here one more week.
I wish I could have gone with them but now I'm a responsible adult and I have a job, and I can't take days off. The important thing though is that they're having the time of their lives here and squeezing in as many activities as possible.
Oh, oh: on thursday night, as I was falling asleep, I thought about Joseph. I felt for him. I felt still in love with him. And I thought, "isn't it weird, that he and I didn't end up together?". And I replied, "no". No, getting married to Andrew feels like it's the perfect thing to do. I thought everything that went on with Joseph though, and I decided I deserved one final moment of mourning.
And I felt like the winner, I felt like I was getting my revenge. It's a harsh thing to say because it's not a competition and I'm not doing any of this out of spite for anyone. But I thought about those sad times, when I found out that he was getting married and turned out he did the next day, a few months after "taking a break" from our relationship. And everything I saw or heard, or even suspected, about it from then on. And seeing the pictures from his wedding, which made me cry at the top of my lungs and nearly throw up. And how seeing weddings and babies only reminded me of all the choices he was making to push me away forever, each one of those choices a nail in the coffin to get rid of me (again, he didn't do it out of spite, he was just pursuing his own happiness, it's just that it came at the cost of, well, me).
But now, I was the one getting married. I didn't do it in a hurry, I didn't do it fresh out of another relationship that left a shattered soul watching helplessly how his maybe-ex went off with somebody else. I was at peace. I felt I was doing the right thing the right way. Now that I think about it, it must be that old saying, living well is the best revenge.
And I dreamed of Joseph that night. I dreamed that he and I were friends. Friends! We were watching TV with Andrew in another room, and we were chatting. In my dream, all the history between Joseph and I had happened, and we'd give each other those complicit looks in between our conversation, like, we know something important happened between us and something will always be between us, but all that's left now is a friendship.
It was strangely soothing. I've told this before, I'll always be in love with Joseph, at least the version of him I met and shared my life with. But I have no desire to talk to him ever again. A part of me feared he'd find out I got married and would write a crappy congratulations note or something. True, I sent him a wedding gift when he got married, two stupid pillows, but then we still kept in touch and more importantly, I was a mortally wounded animal. I was dumb, confused about everything going on, and the pain I was feeling, and I wasn't thinking clearly. It's been five years. Even if he finds out, I think he wouldn't care much for whatever I do with my life these days.
Still, interesting turn of events in my head, in my unconscious life. Now it's like I have nothing else to dream about Joseph, it feels like finishing a book. Funny thing.