Sunday, 12.07.2014 - 8:00 pm.
I'm back to my old routine, after the whirlwind that was november. This week was pretty chill for me: classes have ended anyway, so I only had to do some paperwork left. And even in my full-time job things were a little slow. I've been able to update my blogs and Simeon comic and quietly read a book. It's been nice.
On the other hand, I got very mad at Andrew. I was very angry at him, I even locked myself in the bathroom and cried a little, while he was at home. But see, these reactions make me believe that perhaps I've had a propensity to develop something like borderline personality disorder -not a mood thing but a personality thing- but the environment was just very good to me and I turned out ok (in that regard, anyway). I do have the right to be upset about some things but the intensity is just over the top...and then it goes away, a black and white type of approach. Luckily, I kept it in my head and dealt with it in there, instead of taking it out on Andrew.
And I was angry because he, unlike me, did have a lot going on this week at work. I wasn't angry at him for that, but I was mad in general because he seemed like a workaholic. Getting up earlier than usual to get to his job earlier, coming back home late and staying until midnight finishing stuff.
Ok, I did get mad at him, "does he really have to do it all right away? Can't he just drop it for a moment and take it slow, spend some time with me?". I'm sure he couldn't but I wished he did. And here's the part that speaks about my supposed propensity, this workaholic thing felt to me like forever, nearly saying it's always like this, when it was two or three days this week. But I'd get mad seeing him in a rush and wondered if it was going to be like this from now on.
However, I dealt with it nicely. One of the things that irk me the most is that he's postponing the applications for doctorate programs. And I've seen how he gets when he doesn't want to get stuff done. Like, I felt I carried most of the wedding planning (and contrary to stereotypes, I was not too thrilled to be planning my wedding) and he'd make a face when I'd ask him to sit down and review stuff together. Like, instead of studying for the GRE, he decided to paint the apartment. And now, when I ask him to sit down and fill out our applications, he moans and makes a face.
Here's what I feel, and this ties to his workaholic thing: he focuses his energy on his work, but when I ask him to do things that concern us both, or are for the benefit of the two of us, he makes it looks -or I interpret it like- like it's something that I want to do for the lulz. He moans and makes excuses to not do it right away and postpones it. Which is why we had months to study for the GRE but studied the weekend before and our results were embarrassing. Same with the applications, we're doing them with the deadline crushing us. I feel, in a nutshell, that everything we do or even have to do revolve around his own schedules and willingness. It is only a priority if he brings it up.
And at least up to here, I believe, there is a valid reason to be upset. I know he hasn't realized all this, or maybe he sees it differently. In any case, I know he doesn't do it to dismiss me or because he, say, believes his opinions matter more than mine, not at all. But more on that later.
And one could say, "hey, then why don't you do it on your own, you do your own application and screw him". That would work, to an extent. Say I submit my application for a doctorate program in the US, while he doesn't, and for some miracle I am accepted. And then with the acceptance letter I am granted the scholarship. So, what, do I go to the US for four years and leave him here? It makes no sense that I get ahead because the idea is that we leave together. We even got married, to emphasize the plan.
I'd certainly resent if we didn't leave next year, if it's only because we didn't do things on time. There is always time. One makes time. If we don't go next year, we have to wait until september 2016, and I don't want to live over a year and a half not doing big things (getting a bigger place, and anything from buying books to having kids) because "we're leaving eventually and we can't do anything that means getting more stuff than we can carry or settling down".
So there, that worries me too.
I felt like exploding a couple of times, the last one yesterday when I asked Andrew if we could work on our applications yesterday and he said "yeah", rolling his eyes. I kept my cool in front of him, taking that as an acceptable answer, but I was fuming inside. And I don't show how I really feel because I do worry I could say hurtful things, or just act in a hurtful manner.
I left the bedroom and some time passed. When we crossed paths again, instead of exploding I just said calmly, maybe even embarrassed: "do I get on your nerves by asking too much that we work on the applications?". And then he got humble and said no, he was just overwhelmed by all the things he wants to do, and indeed he is putting them off, and if I wasn't with him he probably wouldn't get around to doing them. The faces he make are not directed at me, he's grateful I'm pushing him to get things done. But he knows I shouldn't have to push him, so it turns out that just asking him that shook some things for him. I appreciated that.
I'm still frustrated by his attitude sometimes, but it's a huge weight off my overly sensitive back that I'm not the ultimate source of his annoyance. And in his defense, he eventually commits. He and I don't work at the same pace, I'm all for doing it in advance, while he has no problem with doing it at the last minute.
So anyway, tomorrow's a holiday and we're finally working on an application due the 15th. We already sent one in, but we're still missing the recommendation letters. And after the struggle to getting the application done, comes the one of suspecting we're not going to be accepted. Actually, this one scares me the most and that one I do avoid.
To end on a happy note though: Andrew and I have actually had a very nice weekend together. Sorry I come here talking about the negative stuff, it helps me work it out, but don't be fooled. Being married rocks. Being married to him rocks.
Also, Nephew #2 is coming on the 17th and we put up the Christmas tree. The kitty we found at the building door is back with us, healthy and spayed, and we named her Nucita. Nico is trying to befriend her but still no luck. Marla is being hostile and succeeding at it. Thus I foresee a nice Christmas in this household, with three humans and three cats.
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