Monday, 08.31.2015 - 7:20 pm.
Hello from my boss' office, on my last day on the job. I'm stuck on a task so I put it aside and came here to update before the month ends.
An immediate concern: one of these days I thought of Joseph and I was amazed at how I felt like nothing had happened. Then last night, I dreamed of him and it left me feeling very sad. I do dream of him occasionally, he's never fully gone away, but the feelings supposedly had.
In the dream, I saw him walking around. I think I was at the university and he was just around the halls. He was with a girl that I went to school with. That's true: before Joseph and I met, he was friends with that girl. She had been one of my best friends (or the best friend of my best friend) for a couple of years in middle school. She got kicked out of our school but then we ended up attending the same university.
In real life, I was surprised to see her, and to see her along Joseph (when he was just DenimJacket Guy to me). I'd see them walking around campus, just talking. I liked that girl, she was very nice and chirpy. When Joseph and I started dating, he told me she congratulated him and said nice things about me, and he facepalmed, realizing she knew me all along and he could have asked her to introduce us. Until last night, I had not thought about her in years.
And there she was in my dream, being kind of like a sidekick to Joseph. Joseph in his most handsome version, wearing some pants that I always thought were so cool and made him look badass. In the dream, I'd look at him walking around the halls, with the girl talking to him, jumping around him, she could have passed in my dream as a little rabbit with glasses, trying to cheer up this tall, serious young man.
And it made me so sad because I was looking at him, and longing for him, crazy about him over how handsome he looked, but I felt like I didn't exist. I mean, I was right there, standing in the hall as he walked by, but it was like I didn't happen in his life. I was invisible. I couldn't read his mind but I knew He was preoccupied with whatever else, I was not a thought in his mind. It hurt me so much and I woke up hurting.
And funnily, and pathetically, I've been hurting all day over it.
I suppose I'm back to where we were before April 2004: neither of us existed in the other's life. Except, in my case, that process of disappearing has left me injured. I think that's what I was seeing: I am not there anymore at all. He's moved on so well that it's like I never was there in the first place. I mean, it's been like that since he dumped me but this time it feels final.
How embarrassing. Can we change the subject?
Still no word on when we're leaving. The man in charge of buying our plane tickets is on leave until tomorrow. When I sent in the request for our tickets, the office replied with "you'll be hearing from us in 72 hours". It's been over two weeks.
Regardless, we gotta start packing and selling stuff. We're less than halfway through, and if our requested travel dates are respected, as of today we only have 15 days left in this country. Two weeks! And one month to go before I begin life as a PhD student, dear Lord. I'm starting to get nervous and achy. And excited. And scared over how unfriendly it is to travel with cats and to rent with cats in the UK.
But we'll make it through, won't we? Andrew and I are the awesomest team and we're pulling through, slowly but surely. He seems as scared/excited as I am, except I already went through the pain and guilt of leaving my family behind. If it wasn't for the ordeal of taking the cats, this moving overseas thing would be a breeze to me. Look at me, never thought I'd feel this confident in my globetrotting abilities. Didn't think I had them.