Saturday, 03.12.2016 - 7:42 pm.
Andrew and I are leaving for my home country on Thursday afternoon. We take a train to Manchester, sleep there and fly out the next day. It will be a 32-hours long day for us. On Saturday morning, I'll get to see my family! My four siblings and me will be all in the same room after I'm not sure how many years. I'm excited.
We're only taking a carry-on bag each. We got them a few days ago and I got even more excited. We're only taking clothes and, in my case, souvenirs and gifts. I want to travel lightly and be relaxed. I'm thinking of all the friends I'll see and food I'll eat and I wish I was there already.
There is the downside that I'm going to one, if not the most violent and deadly country in the world. I try not to think too much about that. There is a class thing to all this that helps me not to. That's horrible, indeed, and one of the reasons why there isn't the slightest hope to save that hellhole. It doesn't mean there is not risk for us, and I do feel bad about taking Andrew there, but the level of risk depends on many factors, and compared to thousand others, we're better off. Plus, my family and friends are there. I have to go.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to update before or during the trip. We're not taking our laptops but I'll try to sneak in a few lines from my parents' house, if there's time and something worth-telling. I kind of hope there won't be though, other than the joy of seeing my loved ones.
Andrew and I are doing well. It's funny I feel the need to say that because we haven't been bad. But I realize my last two entries were hard on him. That's how I feel and how I react when he's like that, but I do know a big part of those situations are owed to my own way of assessing things.
We did have another situation this week, in which I got mad at him. However, I knew he wasn't reacting like I wanted, or as usual in a situation like that one, because of an underlying issue of mine. Still, I was mad and hurt. It took all of my might to blurt it out, but I did it. I finally spoke! He listened and then said he understood, and then gave his point of view. There was the underlying issue of mine and he was absolutely right. I said I understood and that was the end of the conversation. It was a quick exchange. Still, I felt so awesome and liberated. We were honest and we listened to each other.
That underlying issue, to be honest, is that I don't care much for sex. I mean, besides (or maybe related, I can't tell) my horrible issues with rape and sex in general as a weapon, I simply have a low sex drive. I do think having sex is an amazing activity (when there is consent from all parties) and Andrew has done a lot for me to help me enjoy it much more than I ever did before. It's just that I have other things going on in my head all of the time. I get urges from time to time but mostly I have to work them up myself.
That was a problem with Joseph, the poor thing. He did have a lot of patience with me, in that regard and maybe in general, and I understand that this thing in particular became a frustration for him, one of the many reasons to leave me. I wish I'd known more about myself and my body and sex-positivity back then. But see, even now that I know, I continue with the low drive. That's just me and I'm ok with that. Andrew knows it, too, but this time in particular I was way too honest and blunt, so he reacted towards me not like he usually does when there is sex involved. Understandably so.
Anyway. Speaking of Joseph (I know, I'm sorry! But bear with me*), perhaps I also learned from that break-up to think about walking away when things are not going well. "I'll not lose my time anymore with someone who's making me feel bad, and I already know what it feels like to lose someone you're in love with. It hurts a lot and maybe your life falls apart but that's about it, I could survive it again" (truly though, I have no idea what it is to have my life fall apart. It felt like that with Joseph but I did not lose any tangible or intangible resources and support). That seems to be triggered when Andrew is moody and I myself am not in the mood to be empathetic with him.
* This is to comment my last dream with that guy. Since talking about him here the last few weeks, I dreamed he had bought a plane ticket to get away from me, because he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. In this dream, Joseph and I were together. Then he changed his mind and we met to talk and figure things out. See, in my dreams I'm now interacting with him! But we met in his porch and he invited me into his house. The dream ended and I do not know whether we resolved to be together or part ways. And I felt at peace with that. I'm at peace with all this, finally.
All that is to remind myself not to take Andrew for granted, ever. I already don't, I'm always amazed by and grateful for the kind of person he is, with me and with the world. He's a keeper and there are no deal-breakers between us, hopefully there will never be. And hopefully we have many decades together ahead of us (you bet I will be praying for that at the first sign of turbulence during our flight).