Sunday, 05.06.2016 - 4:49 pm.
I spent a good portion of this week getting myself bruised over what I talked about in my last entry. It's no use repeating my thoughts about it, though, and luckily I have a whole life to make up for them.
CR, that old life-saver friend that came to me thanks to that awful break-up, wrote me about my last book. He dedicated wonderful words to my short stories and it seems he enjoyed them. He did not mention anything about the last story, which was pretty much an account of my break-up with Joseph and how he, CR, came along during my grieving. I wonder if he noticed. I thought it was very in-your-face, at least for the few who know my story with him. Anyway. I am always thankful and flattered by CR's affection toward me.
***
At times I've felt like coming here and venting about a British friend that Joseph and I have made at the Psych department. He's a 23-year-old PhD student. We started out nicely, but as we've gotten closer, I get irked by him more and more. Reasons why include how he constantly brags about being smarter than most people, living in annoyance by people being morons, the frequent reference to "feminazis" and his misinformed views on gender, his transphobia, and his right-wing discourse about the EU referendum and refugees.
He's still a kid and he is nice to us, but I'm getting tired of hearing him talk when he gets political. It's not funny that he laughs at the racist jokes his father makes, and it's not enough that he's intellectually aware that it's not correct to joke about that. I mean, he's befriended some of the immigrants in the department i.e. the group of friends formed by Andrew and myself, and a Chilean, a Mexican, and a USA colleagues. I appreciate he is curious about our cultures but there is still the fact that we all have slightly white skin.
Wait, my original train of thought was "At times I've felt like coming here and venting about a British friend that Joseph and I have made, but now just thinking about him makes me bitter, so I'd better not". But there you go. I mean, I think it's good that I am around people who do not think like me, but not all opinions are equal, and some of his need serious improvement. People are equal but opinions have varying degrees of quality, especially those that concern the treatment of fellow human beings.
I'm not a confrontational type of person (sometimes I wish I were) so I don't always present my counterarguments to him. Last time, I remained silent. It's also because I don't want to drive him away, and I don't want every encounter to be a debate. Andrew and I say that we have three years to change his mind on a number of subjects. He's young, we say. He's not smart, he enjoys academia. He lacks a life outside of academia (I mean, I know he goes out clubbing and crushes on boys, but even there he drags his "I'm smart, you're a moron" speech and scientific psychobabble).
***
Andrew had a very low low this week, in which he told me he was afraid one day he'd follow in his brother's footsteps (a perhaps not so subtle way to imply he may go "mad" and take his own life). I could only shake my head, that broke my heart and I felt so helpless. What can I do?! He's haunted by not knowing why his brother did what he did, but he's not sure he wants to know, and does not want to talk about that any further. I have to respect that, it's his process, and it'd be worse if I insisted and forced him. But I hope, I trust Andrew will not "go mad", and I suspect his brother did not either. Still, this is all so heartbreaking. I get angry at Andrew sometimes due to his mood swings, but I always try to remember that the possible underlying cause requires compassion and not anger. I hope he gets help one day, that he talks about it, even if it is not with me. If he does go mad one, it will be because he's trying to shove this massive pain away in a too-small container.
Lastly: I've been writing a lot and thinking of getting another tattoo. All things considered, everything is good.
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