Friday, 10/18/02 - 8:30 pm.
Last night Denver was online and I asked him if he was going on the trip to The Impossible. He said no. And I felt very disappointed but then he said just kidding. I am going.
We left at 6:15 am, and we arrived to the forest (ok, National Park) at around 8:50. I sat with Roberto on the bus. Yes, Denver was around, too. At a certain time, he came to me and lied on me. I kept caressing his arm. I can't tell how many times I thanked God for that moment, when he was in my arms. You're very comfortable, he said when he got back up (around 5-10 minutes later).
Then everything went downhill...I mean, we were walking downhill. We walked for two hours and something and...God, did it suck. But it was kind of fun, when the ground had 0� degrees of incline. At around noon, we arrived to a river and we had lunch there.
During our hiking, my group ran into Denver's group, and he spent some time with me. I was hoping we'd make the way back home on the bus together, at least for 10 minutes. But that's another story...
Long story short, we were in that National Park for 7 hours. And we walked for 6 and-a-half hours. I was cursing Charlie, our teacher, for making us go that far, knowing that we're not in the best physical condition.
It wasn't that bad, though. I mean, I could've gotten killed.
On the bus, I sat with Adri. I had my moments of hyperactivity but then...I slowly came down.
I convinced Patch to go visit Adri (to exchange seats). He was sitting alone, and I needed loneliness. And his was near Denver's seat, so I was just creating the opportunities.
Time went by. 4:30...5:00, 5:30...and I came down. I started to cry. Not because of him. I just felt miserable. A lot of thoughts revolved in me. I'm never happy anymore. When everything is perfect, when there's happiness in my life (and honestly, there IS a lot) I feel comfortable, not happy. And stuff like that, too much to explain here.
And I cut myself. And I cried. I cried for two hours and no one noticed. Denver was almost in front of me, talking with Norman and a couple of girls. I swear all I heard from their conversation was about sex. That's all they can talk about.
I missed Cel. I know I could've cried on her shoulder. I was so miserable. And I didn't even understand why I was sad. Baby, you don't have problems..., my voice said. It's true. I really don't have problems. I feel I have no problems. But I feel so fuckin' ill.
I cried, and I didn't want to arrive home, because that'd have meant a hopeless cry. I cut my own flesh, but it was dark, so I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing.
- Voice: In darkness, you and your tears are invisible.
Hi, my pain doesn't glow in the dark.
We got to school, and after crying for so long, I calmed down. I stood up and waited for everybody to get off the bus. Denver walked me by and slid his finger down my cheek. We looked into each other's eyes for a brief second. I don't remember what he said, though. Nothing important, I'm sure. I don't know if he noticed me. He was very focused on the double-date type of conversation. Only Patch asked me what was wrong. He was very nice to me.
I'm tired of Denver, you see. Today he was very affectionate to me. Holding me, making excuses to hug me, coming near me, touching my hand...but he's just playing. Not exactly playing, he's not that kind of boy....but....I don't know, something like that.
Anyway, this is the last week of high school, and my life will change. Although that's something that gets me confused...I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere else either. This year, I finally got something to hold on to (my friends) and now I'm gonna lose it.
Like I said, I cut myself, but I didn't know how. I felt the glass through my flesh, but the sun had already set.
It wasn't until I got home that I saw. Seven cuts. Three bled. Four are accross my fuckin' arm, as if someone slid fingernails on it. When my parental units ask me, I'll tell them I fell on branches. Part of me...feels good about these cuts. Part of me loves them.
Well, I'm talking to Cel about this right now on the MSN messenger. At least there's a human being I can count on.
On a lighter note, today it was Vic and his girlfriend's 2nd year anniversary. Two years dating now...I hope they get married. Also, there was an orgy with almost every boy on my bus. The boys would say a name, they'd surround the target, get him, touch him everywhere, turn him upside-down and spank him.
- Yaha: you son of a bitch, I felt like a chicken.
I saw cool stuff, like a huge spiderweb with a dead spider in the middle of it (I got to share that beautiful moment with Pablo) and the skin of a snake hanging from a tree. Nature rocks, unless you're walking up a hill with a 79� degrees of inclination for two hours. I don't know what's worse, walking up or walking down...walking up...God, it's awful. Walking down, I thought I was going to fall, and my knees hurt when I bent them....
- A girl named Ana: Rebe, if I fall down the hill, you oughtta pick me off the ground.
Simeon said that there's nothing to worry about falling, because the ground will keep you from falling further.
I'm tired. My arms hurt. My entire self hurts. I'll go to bed. Thank God I'm home. Thank God I'm....