Friday, 01.27.2017 - 6:58 pm.
I'm doing an unusual update this Friday night because I lack the mental energy to carry out my usual evening tasks. These tasks involve writing, go figure. But I mean, writing in one of my blogs or my AF story, and those require a lot more concentration and engagement than I'm capable of providing right now.
I'm exhausted. What a week this has been. I'm exhausted but accomplished, I made a lot of progress in my PhD this week. Well, not a lot, objectively, but every victory is celebrated regardless of its magnitude. I got transgender participants for my online study, cisgender participants for my in situ study, I submitted an abstract for a conference in Amsterdam, and I prepared a class on emotion and cognition due at the end of February.
The abstract and the class had this Friday as deadline, and I was overwhelmed since Wednesday, rushing to be done with them on time. I also had some classes and seminars which sucked a lot of my time, and forced me to work on my PhD after 5 pm, something I don't think I've ever done. This speaks of how good I have it, really. Normally I get to leave the PhD at the Department. Now that my cis and trans studies are rolling (however slowly), I can also relax a bit.
Andrew has also had a rough week, but it gets on my nerves how in him tiredness comes with remarkable moodiness. He's been moody since Wednesday, and while he isn't rude to me, it isn't exactly pleasant to be around him nonetheless. Today I rode the bus home on my own because he still had data to collect at the Department, and I felt free.
Sometimes I miss not being married, being alone. I always enjoyed my solitude. It's nothing personal against Andrew, he's good at being married, probably better than the average person. But now I resent the heteronormativity that planted in me that idea that when I clicked with one person I should marry *him*. I grew up getting hung up on The One, though I considered myself progressive because I knew The One could be many people and it didn't mean a magical, effortless connection forever. Frankly, But as an alternative, I would have had a hard time letting Andrew go (as I had it with Joseph) but...I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm saying, perhaps, that I wish I was single and could get it on with a lot of people. There. It'd be nice to find myself fleeting boyfriends and girlfriends that I would like but wouldn't need to commit to. Which is a very odd thing for me to say, I'm not outgoing and charming and seductive. Hell, I have a sexual dysfunction. I wouldn't get that far in this hot swinging lifestyle I'm currently longing for.