It's not you, it's my massive ego.
Saturday, 03.11.2017 - 9:47 pm - The 
current mood of simeons-twin at www.imood.com

My accomplishment this week was making a decent contribution to the class of the professor whose...argh, the description is just too long. T, for short, I made a decent contribution in T's class. Then, however, I went and babbled silly stuff and couldn't defend a stance, as it's the usual, but let's focus on the positive. Plus, he reviewed a short assignment I turned in and said it was "good". I'm torn between asking "just good?" and the triumph I feel over the "excellent" that came after that to describe my conciseness.

I could do the final assignment of the module but I was shameless and I passed. I did ask T if I had to do it and he seemed confused by the question. I assumed I wouldn't, as in other Master's modules I didn't have to. He assumed I would, it seemed, but then he said that the assignment was to make sure people attend his class and pay attention and I do that anyway. I am there, indeed, just for the joy of being there.

So T said was fine and I was excused, but now I feel a bit embarrassed about passing. It's not that I don't want to do it! I mean, ok, rarely somebody wants to do a 3000-word essay badly. But this weekend I've been thinking that I do love to argue in writing, and I've been a fan of T's writing for so many years, and this may be my only chance to showcase my writing to him. By now it should be clear that my so-called crush on him is just my massive ego begging to be flaunted before someone I admire.

Then again, the assignment would haunt me everyday for weeks. Not only it would come at a very inconvenient time during my PhD (two or three conferences, and data collection and analysis of two studies, and maybe a summer project). Beyond that, my aforementioned massive ego would whip me constantly to the point of making me lose sleep about how whatever I'm writing is not good enough, not smart enough, and T's gonna read it and not be impressed.

I've struggled for two days to respond to his e-mail with the feedback. He said my work was good and had no particular advice. Keep doing what you are doing, he said, which are words that I may cherish forever but I also suck in class. Anyway, he asks if I have any comments or questions about the module in general. I...don't? I just enjoy attending; despite my mediocre performance, I feel I'm warming up to taking part in the discussions and I'm getting a solid lesson on how to do a good critique. But I want to say something more useful and less "me, me, me" than that. Also, I want to thank him for his concern about a potential discomfort for the women in his class with some issues discussed on the neurosexism book that we're using. He took some measures to address that, removing himself and the other men in the module in the process. That was very important  and it made me respect him even more.

Other updates, so I won't be monothematic: this has been my first week with my nephew, which is great. And my dad got his tumor removed but we still don't know the extent of the damage. And I've put my AF story on hold, trying to gain some insight that only distance can provide...but I'm still compelled to say, "come on, it's an awesome story! Give me prizes for it!". And the PhD is going slow.

I don't have class this Monday and I miss it already.

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