Saturday, 01.06.2018 - 3:44 pm.
Hello. Happy new year! I'm traveling to my home country this Wednesday and I'm very anxious. I'm afraid of my own people, and I don't just mean the violent gangs and the equally violent police. It's everyone, with their road rage and just generalized violence and their stupidity regarding many societal issues.
All things considered, I'm a very privileged person who can stay away from the ugliest side of her own country. But the country as a whole is pretty ugly anyway, in terms of social fabric, so I'm still at risk and I feel very vulnerable. I am not used to that environment anymore. I'm used to walking freely on the streets at any time, used to not being sexually harassed, used to not fearing being mugged, used to strangers not shouting shit or staring at me. I don't want to go back to that. Alas, part of my family lives there. I still have friends there. I have survivor's guilt.
I haven't been sleeping very well lately because of this anxiety. I was almost done with packing nearly six days before the trip. I'm nervous about being able to see all the people I want to see while moving around the city as little as possible. I'm trying to distract myself from all this with PhD stuff, or I read, or I write. My nervousness will probably, hopefully, diminish once I've landed on my homeland. It should be like riding a bicycle. Maybe.
On another topic: The creative journal editors to whom I submitted two short stories last week wrote back, confirming that they got them. And this month, the winner of the novel contest to which I submitted my manuscript will be announced. These two are the biggest risks I've ever taken regarding my fiction pieces: I submitted to a creative journal in English, and to a huge, international novel contest in Spanish. I'm bracing for the rejection that will come from both. It's going to hurt.
Andrew and I went out this morning for breakfast, and to do some shopping (including the book for the informal David Bowie Book Club that's taken flight). I'm very happy with him, I just wanted to note that. Last night, he surprised me by ordering sushi. We have a fun sex life I never thought I could have. He's so supportive and helpful and loving, and I'm grateful for him everyday. I know it'll be great for us to spend some time on our own as I'm on my trip, too, but it's hard for me leaving home.
Speaking of sex, I had a somewhat cool dream this week, about having a threesome with two Victoria's Secret models. They weren't very good at communicating what they wanted so it wasn't that enjoyable. Then last night I dreamed I was on the verge of starting a relationship with an old-time female friend (whom I might see during my trip), but I was still married to Andrew. I'm always married to Andrew when I crush on other people in my dreams, which is probably a good thing to keep myself in check, but it's also frustrating in my dream.
Come to think of it, my romantic and sex dreams tend to be frustrating. It's not Andrew's fault. Even when I dream that he and I are about to get it on, there's always something interrupting us. I may have some underlying issues still regarding sex, because those interruptions certainly don't happen to us in real life. If I dream of romance, I'm always attached. If I dream of sex, the act cannot be performed for one reason or another, like people interrupting us, or simply because the dream is me not having sex but fantasizing about having sex. Jeez.
Anyway! I'm hoping I'll be able to write in here while I'm in my home country. In the meantime, let this week be one of gratitude and loving remembrance of David Jones, as I prepare myself for taking flight. This Wednesday, I'm leaving home in the UK at 5 am (UK time), and landing in the center of the American content at 4 am (UK time again). It's gonna be rough, but I hope it will be worth it.
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