Like a bad twist of Friends.
Sunday, 10/27/02 - 7:18 pm.

Adri came over this morning. I was happy about it. I like having her over. And we studied math.

Then Veronica came in the afternoon. I was very upset at first, because...you know. For all the things she's done to me and for the all the things I haven't said to her. Then Adri left. And this is when everything changed.

Veronica and I talked. A lot. I realized how much I've missed her, I do love her; just like with Denver, I'm really not resentful, just hurt.

And after our long talk, I'm relieved, but very concerned.

I'm concerned because she's choosing a career she doesn't want to take. Because she's having problems with her boyfriend (I'm kind of hoping she'll break up with him), she's having problems because her friend Claudia is jealous of her relationship with Norman, because Norman is apparently in love with her, because Roberto is gay (for the record, me saying and accepting he's gay it's as polemic as me saying and accepting he's 17 years old) and he loves Norman, and sometimes he's jealous of Veronica, because Fo also loves Norman (that way) and...complicated stuff like that. It's like a bad twist of Friends.

Denver's mom hit him. Norman, Denver and Veronica wanted to study psychology, but their parents won't let them. Denver has locked himself in his own world, and I'm afraid I can't help him. I'm supporting Veronica, so she can fight against her family for what she wants, and then she can use herself as an example for Norman and Denver. I can't do anything, because supposedly, I don't know any of this.

I'm concerned because I didn't know any of this. I'm really sorry I never knew this. I tried, I swear I've tried to keep up with them, my friends, but they never let me. I'm sorry I can't help them. I'm sorry they won't let me help them.

Veronica opened up. She really has a lot of problems. I was glad to be listening to her. She too asked me about myself, it felt so good to know she still cares about me. I'm not telling her any of this. First, because I've found a better way to let her know (hi, I'm gonna be assertive), and second, because she doesn't deserve it. She was concerned about me, and I appreciated that. I promised I'd tell her what's going on with me when school finished.

- Me: just be glad to be the way you are.
- Veronica: why?
- Me: because someone else would have already given up.

Yeah, I'm glad she is the person she is, because she is struggling for what she believes is right. And I want to support her. And I want to be for her. And I want to help her. She has no idea how much she helped me today by telling me all this. I'm gonna tell her, I am gonna tell her sometimes I hated her, I wish I'd never met her...but I'm glad I have.

Maybe my problem was that I didn't know what was going on with my friends. I didn't know Denver was beat by her mom. I didn't know he was becoming an engineer because he weren't allowed to be a psychologist. I never knew anything! He never let me knew anything. How could have I ever suspected what was going on? he looked happy about his decision.

And I can't help him, because I'm not supposed to know. I can't talk to any of them but Veronica, because I'm not supposed to know any of this.

Nothing seems right now. Not only all this, but we're going through finals this and the next week. And then there's college summer courses and tests.

There's a lot going on. And I wasn't aware of any of that.

And I think that's my problem. I suppose it's my fault for not asking. But what if I asked and they didn't answer me? I asked. I always want to help my friends, but they never let me.

Lately, I've had the motivation of being strong again. Not only for me, but for my friends. All of my friends: Veronica, Carmen, Norman, Roberto, Denver, Cel, Art, Adri, the obese girl, Sophie, Rod, Mars, Pablo, Elsy, Vic...

Tonight I'm gonna bleed. But for what I've just said. I have the math exam tomorrow...but that doesn't help at all with these conditions.

My blood will be my loudest prayer for God, not to ask Him to fix all this, but to let me do something to help fix it myself.

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