Monday, 10/28/02 - 1:58 pm.
I'm really tired. I've had a long, shitty day, and I just want to slit my wrists, write my will while I'm bleeding to death and rest in peace.
I had my math exam. I think I'm gonna fail, although I was positive I'd be getting a cute, nice, little grade that'd make me look like a nerd. But oh, no. I fucked up. As usual. Yet I'm trying to take my academical issues with a grain of stoicism, because I have rougher shit to deal with.
Ok, so I've been thinking A LOT about the things I found out yesterday. Last night I talked to some of the charachters that've been caught up in this spiderweb of problems.
It's hard to try to help them, because I'm not supposed to know any of that. So I just see them from far away, them pretending everything's cool, me praying for finding a way to help. But I can't. Because I'm not supposed to know.
I cried today. No one saw. And that's ok. The reason why I cried today was purely the fact that I finally came to the realization that I lost Denver. I wasn't crying because I flopped math, or...for anything else, I'm just mad. He's scared to be open, he never loved me, he walked away from me, I can't help him, he won't let me help him, I miss him, he could've been classmates in college, even colleagues in five or six years.
So I cried for him. And I felt jealous of Veronica. Not jealous in a fuckin' miserable bitch, get your fuckin' self off him sort of way, more like...fuck, I wish I could do that. Because she is helping him. Because she can be with him, because he even lends her his sweater, because she is his friend and he is her friend.
But I tried to comfort myself thinking that at least he's in very good hands.
It's a shame, because other than my friends, I have no problems. I could help anybody, I could focus on helping, or at least listening to that person 110%, because I really have no problems of my own to focus on. I mean...I have a good relationship with my family, they're letting me take the career I want...my life is not as complicated as my friends'...is it? You can tell it's not. I'd give them all my time. But....no. Simply, no.
Fuck it all then, I guess. They just don't need my help. Roberto, Carmen, Veronica, Denver, et al...they have one another, as fucked as their own lifes they are.
I cut myself yesterday, as my prayer. I carved GHU, which stands for God, help us in my skin. It didn't work, hardy har-har. I'm kind of sick of praying already. I just cut myself a while ago, a small cut in my forearm. I bleed more and more everytime.