I woke up today and I felt like Home Alone. I was home alone, actually. Parental units were out of town, Carlos was going to the beach...and by the way, I woke up in my parental units' bed. Being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I rolled a few times and started thinking that, fuck, I hadn't studied math yet. I got up and Frog was running to me. Aw, I love her. I started looking for breakfast and I heard Alan in his bedroom, which is next to the kitchen. He hadn't left yet. Therefore, I wasn't completely home alone.

Eventually he left, and then yes, I was alone. And I had to start working on some Power Point presentation. It was done already, but the fuckin' Stone Age computers at school fucked it up. I noticed that when I tried to open the file in my computer. I had to do it again. It's really frustrating, because that presentation had been made by me and other 3 girls. We worked on it for 3 days, so it was pretty looooooooooooooong. And I had to do it again. They don't know it's fucked up yet.

I watched Frasier after having pizza for breakfast. Then our maid came and I wasn't that alone. But she pretty much slept the whole morning, since she just had to came to "look after me" and shit. Parental units undesestimate me. I could have done that all by myself. I'm not the kind of teenager that throws a party when parental units are not home. In fact, I love it when I'm all by myself at home.

As the opposite of what the guy believes, I don't masturbate when I'm alone. I do scream, but that's a must when you're singing along to Aerosmith.

On the other hand, I haven't studied math properly. I just can't. I don't fuckin' concentrate. Even watching my nails grow is funnier than studying math. Once you get started and you know you're doing it right, you kind of cheer up. The point is get to do it right, which is my problem.

I'm calling the guy tomorrow, to see how he did at math...ok, no. That's just an excuse. I want to tell him how I feel about his crap. I want to be fuckin' assertive, follow my own advise. What am I gonna tell him? I've been thinking about it all day long, since today I had the whole day for myself. Although sometimes, when you spend too much time with yourself, you learn scary things about yourself. Specially if you're pissed off and hurt. I was going to write my whole monologue here, but I'd better keep it short. And frankly, I feel very lazy right now, I don't feel like going deeper on that subject.

I'll basically let him know that I feel used, that the only reason why I hang in there is because I wanted the both of us to learn more about each other. Just as friends, but I just wanted to see other side than his stupid sexuality that I really don't care about. I've got one conclusion: I'm not having sex. Not in the next three or four years. It's sad, but it doesn't attract me at all, not right now. Is that bad? No fuckin' way. It's the way I think. According to general psychology: there are no wrong answers. Maybe it's my hormones, who fuckin' cares. I'm just fuckin' happy that I was able to say no to him. Screw him.

Dany called me today. Asking about a homework. We talked for a few minutes. He was saying how screwed up he was because he had to do the whole work all by himself, because his group is formed by members of The Society. Sooo, Dany sells them his work. Really smart, huh? Yeah, it depends. If you like to be ironic, it's the smartest thing. Another choice would be that you looked for a group of decent people, Dany. But noooo, those are his boys, his gang. The ones that give a direction to his life. Dany's gonna be alone next year. Many from the Society are getting thrown out of school.

...it's like...what did people do before there were cell phones? They were doing fine withouth them. Suddenly, the cell phones appear and they can't live without it. It has everything: internet, e-mail, TV, radio, games...you can even masturbate with it. But you were ok without it? Oh, God forbid cell phone gets lost....sorry, I'm getting out of the subject. The point is...that's pretty much what happens with Dany. He was...ummm, decently ok withouth that group. Then he's in and he's the king of the world. Popularity, guys to hang out with, chicks...and the "I'm superior feeling", because he does study and does get good grades. He'll eventually lose that group. He'll get back to his directionless life. And he might get uncomfortable with that. But maybe not. I don't know, he's unpredictable. And I just won't tell him what to do.

Well, those are the highlights of my lonely yet brighty day. I thought a lot today. Specially about the guy...I didn't cry though. Honey, don't get mad, get even. Uh, no, I'm not sending him a letter with biological weapons, I just want him to know how I feel, and most important, that he actually feels sorry about it. It's a whole mixture of feelings about this situation, maybe that's why I can't cry.

Oh, yes, I did something else. It was raining, I took off my socks and went to the yard. I was barefoot, walking on the grass, feeling little drops in my face...not a damn sound but the sound of rain. So fuckin' peaceful. Do it. Someday, when it's raining, turn off everything and go outside. Just feel. Carpe diem.

I'll go to bed. I'll study math tomorrow before the school bus picks me up. God have mercy on me. On math and on whatever happens with the guy. I hope...I hope I'll get something out of what we talk tomorrow that heals the wounds I've gotten from him, just because I wanted to be his friend....

*sigh*....fuck.

A cheese is a person in your neighborhood.

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