Thursday, 10/31/02 - 2:35 pm.
Sometimes the most puzzling questions about life are answered without you asking.
This morning, I was on my way to school. It was (still is) a rainy, cold day. Completely gray. No matter how green the top of the trees were, everything looked like those black and white movies.
So I was on my way to school, looking out the window car. I saw a mom walking his child, taking him by the hand. The kid looked very protected against the elements. How sweet of her mom to take care of him, I thought. A few feet away, as the car kept moving, I saw...something different.
It was little boy....6, 7 years old. Walking barefoot, hugging himself, because the morning was cold and he had short sleeves. And he was sad. I swear to God his eyes were crying for help.
I felt the urge to tell the driver to stop, so I could get off the car, run to him, and give him a big hug and my coat. But of course, I didn't.
I've been crying the entire day because of that. I can't forget that image, I can't forget his eyes.
And so, a big question was answered. What do you want to do with your life?, what do you want to be (when you grow up)?. It's something people ask you until you're going to college. I'm gonna be a doctor, an astronaut, a lawyer, a psychologist....
I want to be an angel.
I wanted to be that little boy's angel. To run up to him, take him in my arms, or wrap my wings around him, and bring him home, and take care of him like he was my son. I wish I could go look for him right now.
As usual, it was Vic the first who noticed I was sad. I didn't tell anyone about this boy, because I know I'd cry in the middle of my useless explanation. I don't want to tell anyone, I just want to help him.
- Me: Vic...I want to be an angel.
- Vic: you are, baby.
- Me: Roberto, I want to be an angel.
- Roberto: You're already an angel.
- Me: no...I want to be an angel.
- Roberto: you are as a perfect angel as anyone can be, my love.
I still think I can be much more than that.
Well, speaking of Roberto, I got to be with him the entire 30 minute recess. When we were walking down the hallway, Norm and Denver walked us by. I looked at Roberto. Yes, he does love Norman. And I could tell he was as hurt for Norman ignoring him as I was hurt for Denver ignoring me. Go figure.
We ate a lot. I bought him Doritos and some chocolate. And we talked about not being loved back and why things never seem to work out. It was nice being with him. I told him I love investing time in my friends. I'm glad I got the chance to do so today. He's a nice little guy and as depressive as our conversation was at times, we had a great time (he told me how much he'd enjoyed our time together).
Today I cried. Mostly because of the little boy. [Note to self: Norman and Veronica saw me cry...if that helps], but also because of the usual. Nothing really happened today at school that'd make me feel like crying that way (I was melting in tears and did some serious efforts not to cry out loud), but I took advantage of my sensibility to get anger off my chest.
On the last recess I saw Norman and Veronica talking, and I figured I'd see either of them, or maybe both, crying at the end of it. Yes, Veronica was crying. It pissed me off again, but I decided to be stoic and not let that get to me. So I just looked the other way and walked into my classroom. They can solve their own problems (don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave them alone, I wish I could help...I just mean they don't need me).
Dismissal was a waste of fate. Denver was walking a few feet away in front of me. Just the two of us on the labs hallway. And I didn't call him. To be honest, I can't call anyone who's more than 10 feet away from me. I just can't. So I just looked at his backpack. It's a neutral backpack, nothing interesting, but it doesn't suck [note to self:...not that any of us care about his backpack...]. I think something's wrong with him. But I'm no one to ask him, I know. He'd answer "nothing". Just like I would.
Tomorrow is my last, last day of high school. Be thrilled for me. I am not exactly thrilled. I already got used to the idea of change, and I'm cool with change. I just wish he was studying psychology with me. I asked him if he'd like to study with me for the last math exam (on monday, his brithday). I guess he'll say he'd love to but we'll end up not getting together.
I'm giving him his birthday present tomorrow. I can't believe friday, november 1st, 2002, it's almost here. It was more than a month ago that I got his present. There goes time again.
I have to go study for tomorrow's exams.
I don't know how to learn to be an angel. But I know that when I learn, I'll get to fix the broken wings of real angels.
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