Tuesday, 11/05/02 - 10:59 am.
[today it's my brother Alan's 31st birthday...yay him, I love him]
- Vic: Tyler, you look so beautiful today.
I was unhappy because of last night, but just having my two blood brothers saying hi to me cheered me up. Pablo kisses very good, it's that kind of hard kiss when you feel his entire face digging a hole in your cheek. Pretty, yes.
- Cel: You look beautiful today, my darling!
Why was I looking "beautiful" today? I don't know. Maybe because I was sad. When I cry a lot, my lips get bigger and my eyes deeper -Simeon says-.
Art was carrying a big piece of broken glass. Pablo cut himself. He cleaned his blood on Patch's sleeve. Art cut himself with my X-act blade. This X blade is now part of my SM kit. I found it yesterday and it could easily kill you in half an hour. It's very sharped. Manufactured to kill, Simeon says.
Pablo, Art, Cel and I had made a circle, as Pablo cut himself. I wanted to do it too, but it's my promise to Cel not to cut myself for a while (I broke that promise already, you know that).
- Art: So...why are we cutting ourselves?
- Pablo: We're that way.
I asked him to come over one day. But no smoking, ok?. You know how my parents are. He buttoned the shirt up to his neck, put some kind of tie around and wore Cel's glasses.
- Pablo: you think if I showed up this way they'd let me marry you?
He's so fuckin' handsome.
Last night, I typed this. I tried to talk to Denv on the MSN messenger, but he was set "Out To Lunch" for maybe three hours. When he got back, he didn't reply to my messages. When we first talked though, he told me he was having a disgusting birthday, and that his only wish was the day to finish.
Yesterday I sent him an e-mail, instead of a regular e-card. I added this cute bastard and a love guy's bags o' love.
(...) Maybe you don't feel as special as the culture states you should be, because as one gets old, that feeling fades away. But I hope you get something good out of this birthday other than yet another year of life and a potential backache (...)
I told him he could count on me (even fractionary numbers).
So I sent him text messages to his cell-phone, gave him an Aerosmith CD (that alone is BIG), a tiny greeting card, a letter, a bottle of beach rocks, an e-mail with an attachment and all my friendship. And all he says: yes, it's cool (notice the lack of "!"). And he says that because I asked him what he thought of my present.
I went to bed brokenhearted. There's nothing worse than going to bed with a broken heart.
I had this song in my head the entire night...I sang this song...
I cried so much. So, so much, I was choking. I cut myself and for a while I focused on my blood. But everytime I remembered all I did for him and realizing that even all I have to give is not good enough...it was just horrible. The worst nightmare is knowing you're worthless to the person you care the most about, no matter what.
Bleeding wasn't enough. I didn't even want to cut myself.
So it was in the morning when people told me I looked beautiful today. I took the exams, and went up to the parking lot, to the benches. That's where Cel, Pablo, Vic and I had this mini SM session.
Patch was sad, because he may fail english. It really doesn't look good, but I told him to keep the faith. I caressed his arm, hugged him...once again, I was a wingless angel. There was nothing I could do.
I remained sat next to him on the bench. Through that time, I'd seen Denver coming with a girl. The same old girl. But then he approached to where I was. The sleeves of his sweater were covering his hands, so when he got my head in his hands, I could only feel fabric covering my eyes.
And then...his lips on my forehead made me forget everything. The kind of kiss I thought I'd only get in a brotherly way from Pablo. The kiss digging in your skin, like trying to reach your heart.
I smiled as he walked away, smiling back. Did he try to say something? I heard something he didn't said. Whatever it was, I tried not to make a big deal out of it.
Now I'm home. Mad. Why does he keep doing it? Why he keeps killing my hope, then making it reborn, just to kill it again? I'm not in conditions to put up with that. I just want him out of my system. I'm not good enough. Nothing I do it's good enough for anything.
...I cried this song last night...
This Ain't A Love Song
(Bon Jovi)
I should have seen it coming when roses died
Should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
I should have listened when you said good night
You really meant good bye
Baby, ain't it funny, how you never ever learn to fall
You're really on your knees, when you think you're standing tall
But only fools are "know-it-alls"
and I played that fool for you
I cried and I cried
There were nights that I died for you baby
I tried and I tried
to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby
If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I cried ain't that long
Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong
this ain't a love song
Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time
Like we got away with the perfect crime
but We were just a legend in my mind
I guess that I was blind
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade
The clowns wore smiles that wouldn't fade
You and I were the renegades, some things never change
It made me so mad 'cause I wanted it bad for us baby
Now it's so sad that whatever we had, ain't worth saving
If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I've cried ain't that long
Then I'm wrong, yes I'm wrong
this ain't a love song
If the pain that I'm feeling so strong
Is the reason that I'm holding on
Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong
this ain't a love song...
prev / next