My beautiful self-mutilator and my hurtful impotence.
Wednesday, 11/06/02 - 10:10 am.

I had never seen Pablo wearing a sweater. He never does. I told him he looked weird...and he rolled up his sleeve.

"E" (for Elsy) carved on his arm. Twice. And some other deep cuts (made yesterday but still looked fresh). As he described me the way he slashed himself yesterday with his eyes and his hands, I....knew. I understood.

Exams were kind of easy. I practically didn't study. I don't pay attention anymore. I went to Veronica's house yesterday to study, which was fun. I was glad to get away from home. I'm sick of it, and of my dad specially.

We're making plans to go to the beach next week. Veronica, Adri, Denver, Norman and yours truly. Yes, no one else. That's nice, because I prefer small groups of people, so I'm a bit more encouraged to go. I stated last night to my parental units that I'd been invited. I explained everything...the place, there are adults going and such...my dad is a jerk when it comes to my social issues. F U C K H I M. My mom said ok.

After the exam, I ran into Pablo. And he told me to follow him. We sat somewhere and talked.

- Me: doesn't it piss you off all the details you give to her and in the end it just makes you feel that whatever you do and whatever you are is not enough?
- Pablo: no, it doesn't piss me off. It just hurts (*long silence*) ...you are the first person to notice all my details to her and to understand.

It's just that I know how he feels. I understand him. It's pretty much like Denver and I. You just give your best, all you have to give, yourself, and the person doesn't give a fuck. Yeah...it really doesn't piss you off. It hurts you.

We talked a lot about it. How you just keep showing the love to that person, although you know it's useless, and how hurtful it is. How beautiful and warming is to get something back from that person, the smallest thing...an "I love you, too" or a "thanks", a look into your eyes...even if it's every three weeks. It's just...hurtful. And you have to learn to live with it, because there's no other way. You love the person, the person doesn't love you. That's that.

I love Pablo. I love him so much. I feel connected to him. I wish he received from Elsy at least one third of the love he gives to her. You don't know the things he does for her, the sacrifices, the roses, the details. The blood.

- Pablo: ...and that's how she is. But you know, I wasn't born to change her. I was born to love her.

My little self-mutilator....

After talking to him, the five of us going to the beach had a meeting. We didn't agree on anything, except that we'll agree on something later. We don't know the date, who's driving...nothing. Denver kept standing in front of Veronica (she was sitting on a table), they kept playing, hitting each other, flirting -in a friendly way- and such....no, I'm not jealous of her. I'm not pissed at him. But it hurt me seeing them.

It hurt me so much I decided to leave them earlier. I told them my dad was probably waiting for me in the parking lot by then. It was no use being there. It's not worth trying. Not worth it.

I got home and tried to slash myself like Pablo...But my family could notice, I'm afraid I won't be able to hide it like he does. So I had to do it on my legs and on top of my arms.

I cut myself because I refuse to cry. Because I'm mad at myself for not controlling these stupid feelings. Because I forgive myself. Because I like my blood. Because the pain on the flesh distracts me from my fractured soul.

[Today it's Angelica's 16th birthday.
Today there's a riot also. The doctors' strike is still on. My brother is in front of the hospital right now, along with all the other doctors, obstructing the streets. It's mayhem out there. I'm just a bit worried because the Police said they could attack people who obstructed the streets.
Why do they do it? because the government wants privatization. To everything. And the fuckin' president is building roads and and making deals with 1st world countries to give money to the ones who already have, while there are homeless children dying of cold and licking empty boxes in the garbage because they are starving. Unfairness. Revolution is about fighting unfairness.]

I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't go to the beach. It's kind of hard to deal with yourself when you're in love with your friend and this friends is barely your friend.

- Me: but you don't need a razor to cut yourself.
- Cel: yeah, there are other things that work.
- Pablo: like glass.
- Me: No, no...I'm talking about not needing a razor. You don't need a razor, you need a reason. People start cutting you, you just finish the job.

.....

Ok, bye.

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