Friday, 11/08/02 - 10:38 am.
From: [yours truly]
To: [him]
Date: [will be sent today]
Subject: can I tell you something?
It happened to me with you, like it happened with everybody else. Everything starts cool, but suddenly, they literally block you from their life with no further explanation, and all you want to do is run to them and yell at them, asking them to tell you why, to tell you what happened, to even tell you they hate you, to tell you anything.
But then they tell you it was their fault, and they're very sorry and that everything can be the same again, but that's not true, that never is true, because all that's left is a miserable and dying relationship led by inertia.
It's selfish that I tell you this, because I'm just doing it so I won't cut myself today. The day you said you were sorry about walking away from me, I was going to tell you I wasn't mad at you, just hurt. In the end, it's always like that. I'm not mad, it was just a mistake, who doesn't make mistakes?. I'm hurt because...you just can't help being hurt.
But I'm just tired. Everything seems like a lost cause. It's like you have a lot of time in your hands, willing to give it to somebody, to anybody who might need it, but no one seems to care about what you have to offer, they all have something better than you.
I should have never told you about self injury, it wasn't fair for you or anybody else. But I hope you understand cutting oneself comes from the fact that you've been hurt and you need to hurt back. And you don't want to hurt them, because you still love them like you always have and maybe even more.
You get mad at yourself, and guilty, for not being careful and letting them notice what you do to yourself, for making them feel bad for you and for having them beg you to stop. And then you're mad at them when they don't notice what you do to yourself, because it makes you think that either they're blind or you're invisible. And you cut yourself again to focus on things that you know for sure will heal. It's a circle.
I shouldn't tell this to you. It's not fair, it's not right, it feels like I'm telling the right things to the wrong person. It's ok if you ban me from your life, I don't mind. I mean, I do mind, but I understand. You don't need to help me, or pity me, you don't owe me anything.
If I ever did it, in any way, forgive me, I never, never meant to hurt you. I'd hurt myself before hurting the people I love. I already do. It's just that suddenly, that's not enough. "Everything" is not enough anymore.