Sunday, 11/24/02 - 2:10 pm.
After writing yesterday's entry, I got dressed up and headed to school. No one I knew was there yet, except for my friend Mikey. He's gained a few pounds and wears nice light green contacts. It wasn't awkward to see him, at all. Duuude!.
From 3:05 to 3:59 I waited outside the chapel, where the graduation ceremony would take place. In the meantime, I saw all the class and non-school friends arrive. There was something weird in the air...it was an one-in-a-lifetime day.
At 4:00 o'clock, all the class and their parents lined up outside the chapel, to march in.
That's defintely one of the moments I'll never forget: a weird music was being played, and as soon as I stepped in, I felt all the people staring at me (at the entire class of course, but we were entering one by one and it was my turn). I suppose I felt the way a bride feels in her wedding. Although maybe that's also what a dead body would feel if he could (actually feel) get his head out of the coffin to see his own funeral. All those friends (and strangers) looking at you, walking down the aisle.
Then it was mass. Yes, I read. I was a bit nervous, but not so much. There weren't as many people as it was expected and...I don't know, I wasn't that nervous. I suppose I did well.
An hour later, at 5 o'clock, they started giving out the diplomas. I was a little afraid I'd get in line at the wrong time, and when I get up front they'd say someone else's name. But everything was ok.
It was 5:27 pm. That's another moment I'll never forget. Mars and her parents were before me. But suddenly, all I could sense were my dad's hand holding my right hand and my mom's hand holding the left one, me staring at the shiny floor, and bright lights, seven people behind a long table and Jesus crucified in front of me. It was like the last scene of Titanic, when the camera makes you see what Rose is seeing. It was unreal, hearing my last names, receives the persevering band (because I'd been studying there since pre-school, 12 years) letting go of my parents' hands and walking up front all by myself, receiving the band and the diploma.
Since we were 109 (you may recall we were 110, but a girl didn't make it) they left the clapping for the end, when the last student received her diploma. It seemed she was the only one people clapped for.
After that, Norman gave a nice speech on behalf of the class, about our lives in and after school and such, the things we learned and the special people we met. And then they gave an award to the three most outstanding students: 3rd place was for Fo (literally, the president of the class), 2nd place was for a guy named Allan and 1st place...of course, Norman (the most popular, friendly guy, whose lowest grade was 8 -out of 10-). My parents were kind of expecting me to win something, but I didn't deserve it like they did.
The ceremony finished at 6 o'clock. It was time to get pictures taken and and congratulate and hug and say goodbye, take care, good luck. No one cried, though.
But before I left, I was looking for a lady in a red dress. That was Denver's mom. I saw him, I saw him a few times, but I never walked up to say congratulations. I was hoping he'd do it first. He didn't, and by the time I'd decided to take the first step, he'd already left.
On my way to the parking lot, I was thinking that my entire night had been ruined by not hugging and congratulating the person I love. I felt really bad, I wanted to die, I was kind of regretful and I wanted to keep looking for him, or for the lady in the red dress.
Love is like the right dress on the wrong girl.
I was wondering if he thought what I thought: I'm dying to do it, but I'd better wait for him (her) to do it first, and so, neither of us did. I was wondering if he even thought of me. Luckily, the feeling worn out quickly, I got distracted by a few gifts, my aunt and uncle and pizza for dinner with my family (I'd rather that than being at a party with strangers with whom I interacted with for some time).
This morning I thought of when I saw him hugging the girl, after the graduation ceremony. I put on a slide show in my head, of all the times I was hurt by seeing him pay complete attention to a girl that wasn't me. I wanted to cry, I needed to. I found out I'm not that affected by that anymore, I didn't even get to shed a tear, although I did feel bad. But after thinking about it, releasing all the pain for a couple of minutes, I felt better.
For better or for worse (maybe for both), now that school is over, I won't see him again.
***
This morning I felt the need of not looking back. I felt different in some way. I've discovered, or I've grown to see things this way, whatever it is...but I don't wish things were easier. I don't wish to go back in time. I'm happy to move forward.