Of a future outcast searching for lightness of soul.
Saturday, 11/30/02 - 7:16 pm.

Hi, I just lost an entry.

Well, I was saying I went to take the UCA general knowledge test, and I hope I didn't fuck up.

I caught a glimpse of my life in college: a girl, walking around the campus all by herself, wearing a t-shirt that says: I used to be schizophrenic but we're ok now (the t-shirt that brought Roberto to my life). Being stared at yet being ignored by everybody.

When I arrived to the UCA this afternoon, I didn't see anyone from my friends. Most of them took the test in the morning. The ones I did see...well, they're not my friends. Except for Victor, but we were in different classrooms, so we just said hi. The girls I "was" with put me aside. But that's ok, I'm not very fond of them either.

This is going to be a little bit hard, I thought to myself. Socialization, that is. I'm not a sociable person, I have a hard time approaching to others. I can already picture myself being an outcast.

On other news...I didn't sign in yesterday. Which translated into going to bed earlier, and even feeling -emotionally- a bit healthier. Usually, at 10:37 pm, I'd be sitting in front of the screen, waiting for him to reply to my last message, sent at 10:17. Instead, this time around I was falling asleep, thinking of the inmortality of the crabs and whatever else. I was happy. I did it, I thought. I avoided him, and all the injuries I get from him. He understands (hi, hi, hi).

When he told me, on one of our last conversations, that his UCA test was scheduled in the morning, I didn't freak out. I didn't say shit, I'm screwed, or anything. I tried to be positive (it did work ou) and thought for better or for worse, I won't see him on saturday. Simeon added his two cents: definitely for better.

Yes. I experimented some kind of lightness of soul or something...I wasn't feeling the pressure, I wasn't worrying about seeing him, seeing him with somebody else, having him walk away from me, dying to be with him for at least 5 minutes, being let down because of my expectations....no. Nothing. I was on my own.

I'm doing the same thing tonight. I'm gonna win this. Eventually, I will.

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