Tuesday, 12/17/02 - 9:06 pm.
I did something very stupid this afternoon. So, so stupid. SO stupid. Very stupid. It's a good thing my dad didn't find out. It was very stupid.
But you know what? It was just a mistake. So although I was feeling kind of stupid, because I could have avoided the mistake, I understood what a mistake is. It was so clear, so material, I could have cut it through with a knife.
If I had confessed it to my dad, he'd have hated me at that moment, and would have given me a long lecture. That's why I didn't confess. I'm not the kind of person who feels guilty for lying or omitting the truth. But I don't do it. I rarely do it.
It was just a mistake. He wouldn't have understood. But I did. A mistake. I'm not trying to make an excuse, it was just a mistake.
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With things being so SHITTY lately, I've barely had time to think of him. I was doing just fine. Just fine. Until Veronica called (to check on me -how sweet- and to thank me for the card -yayshegotit-).
She saw him today at school. She said he looked weird. He wasn't being "hyperactive", like he always is, joking and shit.
- Veronica: What's the matter?
- Him: My parents....
(....)
- Veronica: I was thinking we could go out one of these days, do you have some free time?
- Him: I always have free time, but my dad always finds a way to take it away from me.
With all that being said, I felt very...bitter? I don't know. I felt impotent again. And there was this selfish voice in my head, wondering if, with all those problems of his, he still thinks of me. Duh, of course he doesn't.
Echo on the back of my head:(((he doesn't...)))
Part of me says I shouldn't care for what he's going through. It's useless. He doesn't even know I care. And I can't help him.
I regret meeting him. Not because I'd be in a better mood, not because things might have been easier for me...but because I consider all this a waste of human spirit.
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I'm hoping this shitty spell, or whatever brought this up on on me is over. And after all, my bedroom has changed (looks pretty neat and different), we have a house in better conditions, we're waiting for my big brother and his family to arrive, I got a rather good grade in the PAES (1861, being 1900 the highest score), I've been distracted from desperate thoughts...even Simeon is trying to do new stuff.
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A couple of days ago, I imagined myself going on a journey to see Aerosmith live on december 21st, in Washington D.C.....getting to the priceless part of the commercial takes a lot of money......yes, seeing Aerosmith live is an expensive "priceless" moment.
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4D 4D 5B 5D 5B
(I should have known better - The Beatles).
Wish me luck.