Thursday, 12/26/02 - 4:52 pm.
I got to the painful realization that everything was set on fire, it burned down and now I have nothing. Nothing.
Last night (before I realized that), I got three things that made me smile. Well, three e-mails. One from Mikey, thanking me for the "snail mail" card I sent him, that conveniently arrived on christmas; one from Roberto, my dear friend Roberto; and one from Victor, my colleague-to-be.
I went to bed with that awful feeling, I've lost it all. And I'll I've got left is...Victor. Yes, Victor. I don't know exactly why. I think it's because he's going to be the only thing that'll make a connection with the past that I'll have in the next phase of my life...which, by the way, starts next friday (the UCA course, my life as a college student). We get along very well and everything. Maybe I shouldn't hold onto him but I need to hold onto something, or else everything will be lost.
We took Alan to the airport this morning. I had a terrible stomachache and headache. I even threw up in the airport's lady's room. But I'm pretty sure it was because I had a quick breakfast, way too early for my system to work on it. After throwing up, I kind of felt better.
We said goodbye, and all I could say to him was good luck. I had to stop or I'd have cried, and things were bad enough already. I think he was going to cry, too, but got himself together right on time.
He's arriving to Philadelphia (a place he's never been to before) tonight, and no one's waiting for him. He'll take a cab and check in the hotel he already made reservations for. Tomorrow he'll take a test and then he's off to New York City, by train. I'm really scared, I'm specially worried about the cold wheather, I tend to think he didn't take enough protection against the freezing cold, and hearing the wheather makes me more nervous and anxious.
I've cried the entire day. I've felt this void inside, a heavy void. It's like fog or an endless abyss. I miss him so much, I've never felt this way. I didn't feel this way when my other three siblings left home. Perhaps because, when Renan left for the USA and Nancy left for Mexico, they had already been living on their own for a while. And when Carlos left the house, I didn't cry either, because I know he'll live (he lives) just half an hour away from here.
But Alan had been living with me, in the house, forever, and suddenly he's gone. I still think I'll hear him drive his car into the garage, or I'll hear the squeack of his bedroom door at any second. It's horrible, it's heartbreaking. I miss him so much. I remember how proud I'd be everytime he'd be on TV, saying this president suck, or when I'd find random pictures of him in the newspapers, being a leader he is, saying what's in his mind.
But as bad as this looks, he's a lucky guy...well, there's no such thing as "luck"...it's more like he has a lot of balls. I don't think I'd even dare to travel all by myself, to a place I don't know, where they speak a different language, where no one is waiting for me. He seemed very cool, but he must be dying inside, nervous, anxious, scared.
He worked very hard to put things together so he could travel to continue his career (that's impossible here). A friend of his offered him an apartment in Manhattan, so he can stay the entire month (january)...for free. That's a lot of help for him. Things like that don't happen often, that's nothing but a blessing from above. He'll be back on january 26th...but there's a slight possibility that he won't come back, depending on how things turn out.
I miss him. All that's left for me to do is to have faith in him. He can take care of himself perfectly. He'll do just fine.
(I wish I had half the courage and attitude he has...because I'm often afraid that I won't achieve half of what my siblings have and keep on achieving in life).
******
While thinking of my life burning down, I questioned myself when was it that everything started to get blurry for me. And no, it's not when he walked away from me. In fact, I realized...I remembered that I was unhappy even at the time we were "together". Because I wasn't 100% sure if he had feelings for me. He'd be with me, and then walk away without saying a word. Then come back and hold me, then walk away again. I don't know why, but instead of getting sadder over this discovery, I felt somewhat relieved.
I got an e-mail from Cel today, and it said -among other things- that she had something very important to tell me, and that it would be my christmas gift from her. As if I had received a present, as if I was shaking the box, I wondered what that would be. Most likely, she'll tell me he got my christmas card. I asked her if she could please find out for me.
I don't care if he did. I just want my brother back.
prev / next