Saturday, 01/04/03 - 6:15 pm.
The UCA course was...ok. I guess. I met up with Victor and we got out of the building to get some photocopies. There you go, my first day of college and I already broke my dad's rule: "do not go out".
Nancy says it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission (as you can see, she does notice I'm overprotected, and encourages me to dare to be independent, even if my parental units don't like it)
Here's the thing: there are four people from senior high with me, going for psychology: Ern, Victoria, Irene (sort-of fake names) and Victor. They're not so bad, but not the kind of people I get along with, except for Victor. I did think I was very luck to have a group to hang out with during the break.
Classes are boring, I'm not encouraged at all. I look at all those strangers around me...it's hard to begin. I'm not used to new begginings. I've never been the "new girl at school", because I only had one school, the ESJ. I never had to change. So now I sat there, next to Victor, listening to all those strangers telling a little about themselves.
It's so hard for me to think of them as classmates. It's hard for me to think I will ever get along with any of them. I can't. I can't be someone else, someone more open, someone more sociable. I often thought about it: "when I go to college, everything will be different...I'll be a new me". I am not.
Therefore, I feel like a failure.
I have some homework and extra assignments, like getting notebooks and shit. I like the fact that college gives me a different feeling from school, but still...I think I'm starting to miss school. Not school itself, mostly the easy routine of it. I'm a lazy person, leave me alone.
Victor turned to me with a shy smile when the girl he likes walked into the classroom. Not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I could sense she had "something". She was very cute. I thought she'd be perfect for Power Rangers, Pink Ranger more specifically.
I wondered if he said to himself: "that's the woman I'll marry". I analized my situation and realized that on the back of my head there's a personality (one of my voices) that wants a "cute guy". No such luck, I tell you. Most "classmates" are females, and the males...are not "cute".
But like I said, it's just a voice.
There's another voice also, that tells me I shouldn't judge. I haven't judge anybody, anyway. As a matter of fact, some people looked very down to earth and very thoughtful. I already said it, they're "strangers". I don't know if they're good or bad, they're just strangers to me. I don't judge strangers (I try not to).
But I still think I won't fit in.
(then again, everybody in that classroom seems to think the same)
*****
My brother Renan left today. He's back in Houston now. The kids and Denise will be here until monday though. It's weird...it's weird to think he's already gone. It's like he was only here for two days.
*****
I got an e-mail from Pablo. It may surprise you to get such thing from a piece of fallen angel...that's how I'm feeling... and he goes on to talk about how he feels. Pain, heaviness, darkness, another chance, God gave him more than he deserved...
I'll sum it up in a word he didn't even get close to: depression.
Well, I'm sorry if you feel I'm treating you like a pillow, that's not what I mean...I just want to know what it's like to breathe once in a while...I love you.
Pillow...I'd be his pillow anytime. I wish we were closer friends. Everytime I talk to him, I understand why we became brother and sister. It's something beyond common self-destruction.
*****
All I can say about this is...Rest in Peace, Eric. I never met you personally, but you were (will always be) a very special person to me.
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